A Love I Do Not Want

 Get me outta here.

I don’t want romance, fairy tale, happily ever after, whatever you call it I don’t want it. Keep it away from me.

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I don’t want a love that will drain the character you built in me. Not a worldly kind of love. One that is emotion-driven, that’s been built by deceitful sweet words and pleasurable moments. I don’t want a love that’s forced, a love without your blessing. I don’t want a love that will make me dishonor You, that’ll hurt You, that’ll rob Your good, pleasing and perfect plans for me and for the people around me.

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I don’t want a love orchestrated by my own hands, I’m not a good director, not as good as you. You write a better story than I do. I don’t want anything my mind creates and my heart feels, a love out of my own will and power.
I don’t want a love that hurts people, that steps on somebody, that’s displeasing to anyone. A love that may have a generational negative effect to my family, to my future children, even to my children’s children.

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I don’t want a love like mine, it’s dust compared to what you can create. This is not the love I wanted. This isn’t what I’d pray for. This isn’t my heart’s desire.

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I want a love like Yours. I want to love the way You do. Make me capable, make me selfless, make me courageous and hopeful in pursuing it. Make it firm, very firm that no evil in any form will be able to steal it. I don’t want to be deceived by my heart anymore. Give me a new heart, a heart like Yours, a love like Yours.

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You allowed this to happen because there’s going to be a testimony out of this, not to go with the world’s trend but to prove that it’s possible to get out of a hopeless situation. It’s not about me obeying You, but all about Your grace that sustains this obedience. It’s so hard and painful. I can’t believe I broke Your heart again. And here comes Your unlimited forgiveness pulling me out for the hundredth time from this trouble I caused.

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I want Your love. I want to be secure in it and firmly believe that Your plans will always be better than mine. I don’t want to keep hurting You anymore. I’m sorry. I love you.

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