So Sick ='(

IMG_8250I have come to accept and embrace that I really am an overly emotional being, and I no longer want to treat it as a weakness. The more I try to suppress it, the more it gets worse. So just be it, right? I’ll use it for my writing instead. Perhaps some lives may be touched as I keep on being true to my emotions.

IMG_8336IMG_8335Yesterday, I woke up with a really really bad head ache, and my temperature was so high. I had high fever. I told my family right away cause I wanted an immediate healing. I asked for their prayers, and they gave me the sweetest replies. I was crying while I was reading it all. I don’t know. I must miss them soooo much. I hope to see them soon. I pray that God will finally grant me a visa to the U.S.A. next year. A friend of mine just got her Canadian Visa approved and we’ve prayed for it for more than a year. If it could happen to my friend, I guess it’s not so bad to pray for a US Visa for myself too. Missing my family should be a valid reason, right? More than 10years of not seeing my parents (and some of my siblings) must be long enough for me to wait and finally have my prayers granted. So yeah, I’m boldly praying for a US Visa next year. Lord, will you please answer my prayer? Pretty please?

FullSizeRender 4The last time I was sick, I expected to be taken care of but I just got frustrated. Since then, I decided that I’ll try as much as I could to be the one to take care of myself, so I prayed hard yesterday, took some meds and be well rested to get well swiftly, and not rely on anyone for help. Here goes her prideful and bitter heart again haha. But God loves me so much, He gave me someone who truly cares for me. He gave me Ate Tas, she bought me medicines, massaged me, wiped my body with warm water w/ alcohol, got me fruits and milk to eat, she was my nurse the whole day, today. And I am sooo thankful for her life. I feel guilty for failing at being nice to her at times, and I hope I get to value her as much as she values and takes care of me. ='( I love you Ate Tas. You may never be able to read this but thank you so much for being my superhero at my most vulnerable state.

Growing up without my parents, I’ve been independent and blessed for not being prone to sickness. But when I get sick, it’s bad, and it feels really sad huhu. Funny and ironic cause the state of my health now is similar with what I’ve read lately in my savored book, Captivating: that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to be weak. So I’m trying to enjoy this weak feeling even if I don’t like it. My flesh and my heart may fail, but Jesus is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. And again, because of that, I rejoice in my weakness!

IMG_8284Another thing that kept me happy and sad today is my addiction to JaDine love team. Since I couldn’t go out and attend a church service, I stayed in my room the entire day and spent a few hours watching their videos on YouTube. I really like the chemistry of James Reid and Nadine Lustre. I find their acting so natural, plus they both could dance and sing. I even memorized some of their songs already, watched their 1st movie (Diary Ng Panget) on YouTube, watched 2 of their other movies (Talk Back And You’re Dead and Para Sa Hopeless Romantic) in the cinema. I also like that they don’t lie to the public about their relationship status, that they really are just friends in real life. Honesty is everything! It’s freedom! Must be the reason why they’re so effective with their acting. What made me sad then? It’s the feels I got when I watched one of their music videos: Say You’ll Never Go. Hahahaha. Again, I am not going to be sorry for being emotional. My blog, my prerogative.

But just to be very honest, of course I do not like feeling sad (duh) but I believe going through all roller coaster emotions are part of the process of my molding as a Christian. I will surely look back at these writing one day and see a completely different person. For now, this is who I am, this is how I feel. For now, I may be weak, I am free to be weak. But in time, it’s gonna be a different me reading these posts. He’s changing me from glory to glory. He’s continuously sanctifying me. And the sadness, it will pass. And again, because of Him, I rejoice in my weakness!

=’)

The Most Insecure & Envious Lady I Knew

Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 11.36.25 PMI’ve had uncountable evidence-based encounters with a very insecure and envious lady. In fact, I intimately know her, we’ve been close for 25years now. Yes, you’re guessing it right, that insecure and envious lady’s me.

I was having dinner earlier until there was a sudden prompting in my head to write about insecurity and envy. Last Sunday, it was our topic during Bible Study (which I, myself led), it’s also been my screaming struggle for the past months, and from all these I’ve realized how damaging these two tag-team words could be to any woman. So I’m here in my room now typing away, hoping not to miss even a tiny detail I want to share about it. Let’s begin.

Yes, I was insecure and envious, I’d like to declare that it’s in the past because I do not want to be it anymore. The struggle was too serious, it’s the ugliest feeling ever because I tend to compare myself with anyone, to calculate gestures and actions that wouldn’t really require much attention, I would hate someone who isn’t doing anything wrong with me, someone who may not even care about me.  My insecurity would make me paranoid and envious, my envy would make me insecure. It’s a twin sin! I tell you, it’s gross, it’s ugly, eww, yuckiest feeling ever. But evidently, it was so hard for me to get rid of, sometimes I would still feel it no matter how much I would renounce and rebuke it. But the Lord said trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, that I just have to acknowledge Him in all my ways and He’ll make my path straight. I believe this passage is packaged with Him making me secure in Him.

First, I had to find out why I was being insecure and envious. One time in one of my Bible Study groups, one girl mentioned that the most probable reason why we hate people is because we see ourselves in them. In my perspective, maybe our former self that has been changed and we do not want to encounter anymore, and I personally have this tendency of being overly idealistic that whenever I’d get over a negative attitude of mine, I would start expecting others to do the same thing speedily—which makes me impatient and not reliant on the Lord’s grace on how He would transform people. Or it could be me seeing my current self, you see that person doing what you want to do and you feel envious because he/she seems to be doing it better than you do. And the lies of the enemy would begin to suck the security and confidence out of you by putting thoughts in your head such as: you are inadequate, you’re never enough, you’ll never elevate and you’ll keep coming back to your old life, you’re a loser. Next thing you know, you are already full of grudge, sorrow and pain in your heart.

About 2months ago, I acknowledged being envious at someone, she’s a friend from the pageant industry, I’d compare myself to this lady, wouldn’t celebrate for her accomplishments, I would even find faults in her. She’s a Christian too, but I’d question God why He’d give her abundant blessings when I don’t really see her serving Him well (like I see the whole picture). I’m like Martha in Luke 10:38-42 of the Bible, when she had Jesus visit her home, she was too busy and distracted doing things for the Lord while her sister Mary was very relaxed, sat on the Lord’s feet and savored her time with Him. Martha was bitter and commanded Jesus to tell Mary to help her, Jesus told her that she was worried and upset about a lot of things while Mary chose the better choice of spending time with Him. Meehhn, I just got slapped by reality right there. When I told that lady about how I feel towards her, she gave me a very pleasant reply. She was very nice. We didn’t talk after she replied but I’d like to think that God has healed and freed me since then. And I hope to bump into her one day and finally start a good friendship. God can make all things new, and I’m sure He may also restore my friendship with her.  I realized that God is never after my service for Him. In fact, He doesn’t need my help. He doesn’t need me to serve Him. He simply wants to see me delight in Him, just like Mary, and my service is just the result of the overflowing love and attention I’m getting from the Lord. It shouldn’t be burdensome. It shouldn’t be done out of selfish intentions, neither out of competition. *Breathe* That was very liberating.

Another reason why insecurity was very evident in me is that I tend to focus on two things: (1) myself — it’s always frustrating when I look within me (without Him in me), because I’m limited and I get exhausted; (2) others — opens door for comparison. My heart is really filthy (without Him).  But look, the only way insecurity and envy may be avoided and even eliminated is each time I would just focus my attention on Jesus. Because with Him, I’m limitless. With Jesus, I won’t have to compare myself with anyone, I’d see things on a better perspective, I’d look at people beautifully, it’s all appreciation with everyone that gets highlighted. Again, that’s only when I’m focused on the Perfecter of my faith.

I treat the illness of insecurity and envy the same way I treat unforgiveness. I believe it is a choice and not a mere feeling to forgive, and it’s also a choice not to feel insecure and envious along with trying not to be prideful and assuming. It should be fought each time the negative emotions would try to cripple and paralyze you again. Insecurity is imposed by the enemy that we begin battling with in our cranium, so we slaughter it from there. We choose the right thoughts with the right perspective. We intentionally fight the false whispers we hear, reject it and replace it with the Lord’s Promise, and claim His’ Promise through prayer. It’s always easier said than done, but for the ones who find it hard to fight it like I do, keep trying, keep enduring, keep obeying by humbling ourselves always no matter how hard and painful it may be. It’s hard to be good when you don’t feel good. But again, God is faithful and my incapability and unfaithfulness doesn’t limit Him. I do not define Him, He defines me. He is the Lord and the Master here.

Security sets in when I am able to grasp and recognize that it is about Him and what He is capable of doing in and through me. That I don’t have to be burdened anymore. I just have to keep on trusting Him and keep believing in His’ greater purpose for my life.

In Psalm 4:3-8, it says: Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord. Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?” Let the light of your face shine on us. Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

May we all ALWAYS find SECURITY in the LORD. Good night!

Almost Over

She was afraid he would inflict her pain again.

She didn’t know him but she trusted him.

Along with that is the liberty for him to hurt her.

***

He was never allured by any woman since then.

She was the last woman he hurt, she was the last person he lied to.

It dawned in him, he sinned.

***

She was the last sacrifice, the last one to carry the burden.

And it was the last time for her to go through it.

She’s healing now, that’s for sure.

The season is almost over.

***

He is forgiven. He is loved, still loved.

He will realize every impact of what he’s done, but he’s forgiven.

He has pain too.

And it’s almost over.

***

They’ve moved on.

Oh My “gods”

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Why I stopped believing in so many gods and decided to focus on only One?

Here’s why. I grew up believing in so many things. I’ve mastered the world and/or the world mastered me by me taking whatever it puts in my plate. I learned certain knowledge in school, outside school, in the internet, television, papers, through the deceiving and persuasive flowery words of people, I learned everything everywhere and I took to life everything I liked.

There wasn’t anything solid about the things I believed in aside from the fact that it catered to how I wanted things to function in my life, supported my selfish and emotional life decisions, and that I took them all as ego boosters.

Some of the gods I had in my life were the following:

(1) Horoscope – Some time in high school, I’d always wait for the forecast of my zodiac sign to be mentioned on a daily basis in a local morning show. It didn’t end there, in college I was also enticed in reading the zodiac page in magazines and get carried away on what it has to say about my future.

(2) Fortune Telling – Yes, I was exposed to this. I kind of allowed certain words to be planted in my head and my heart which could actually mean a curse for God’s plans for me. It caused me confusion. One man told me that I was going to be a flight attendant and have a lot of boyfriends in the future, even mentioned I’m gonna have a Mexican looking son. And then another fortune teller told me other stuff that don’t match what the 1st one said. It piled up in my head. It confused me and affected my decision making. But I believe God has already released me from all these things, that the chains of imprisonment in those fancy human based thoughts have already been broken. Trust in the Lord alone.

Leviticus 19:26 “You shall not eat any flesh with the blood in it. You shall not interpret omens or tell fortunes.

Deuteronomy 18:10-14 There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you. You shall be blameless before the Lord your God, for these nations, which you are about to dispossess, listen to fortune-tellers and to diviners. But as for you, the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this.

(3) Smart people – I can get gullible and easily carried away when I’m faced with an overly smart person who’s very convincing. The thing is not all smart people are biblically smart for knowledge and wisdom are evidently two different matters. Not all knowledge are right, not even all wisdom came from the Lord.

1 John 4:1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

James 3:14-15 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. 

(4) Relationship – Idolatry alert, I desire love so much and there is nothing wrong with it. What makes it wrong is the distortion of my desires for it. Relationship was my god, it was my idol.

Relying on these things devalued God and what He’s capable of doing to my life. Bible says don’t be deceived by the things of the world and don’t practice them. God says don’t rely on human efforts but put our trust in Him alone. Now, I only have One God. The legitimate and the Only One, Jesus Christ. Nobody comes to the Father except through Him. And so I won’t trade Him for the world. Baamm! xx

The Waiting Period

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Gusto ko maghintay, marami akong mga bagay na hinihintay, napakaraming aspeto kagaya ng karera sa trabaho, pagtuklas sa particular na purpose ng buhay ko, ang pagkikitang muli ng pamilya ko na nasa iba’t ibang bahagi ng mundo, at higit sa lahat, ang pag-aabang sa tama at itinakdang pag-ibig. Sabi ng isa sa mga mentors ko, ganito daw talaga ang trabaho ng mga babae, ang maghintay at magdasal. MAGHINTAY ng may maligaya at mapayapang puso, at MAGDASAL ng walang kapaguran, walang humpay, hanggang sa ibigay Niya ang iyong hiling.

Gusto ko maghintay, kahit matagal-tagal ang proseso, basta tama, basta naaayon sa kasulatan ng Panginoon. Dahil naniniwala ako na kapag Siya ang nag-sulat ng storya, walang laban ang kayabangan ng mundo. Kapag naghintay ako sa pangako Niya, umasa ako sa kapangyarihan Niya at ipagpatuloy ang aking pananampalataya, kanyang bibigyang tugon ang aking mga dalangin at hindi mauuwi sa wala ang paghihintay ko.

Gusto kong maghintay ng hindi nangdadaya, masyado ng maraming mga tao na nagsasabing naghihintay sila pero bahagi ng kanilang paghihintay ay pandaraya, paghahanap ng panandaliang aliw, keylangan daw nila yun e, tao lang daw. Leche, so lahat nalang tayo ganun nalang? Sorry, tao lang? Puro dahilan? Puro palusot? Pero gusto ko maghintay, dahil naniniwala ako na may patutunguhang mabuti ang paghihintay ko. Worth it ‘to dahil hindi motivated ng kasinungalingan at corruption, hindi madugas, hindi mapanlinlang. Worth it ang totoong pag-aabang.

Gusto kong maghintay, pero higit sa lahat, gusto kong maging mapagpasensya habang naghihintay sa tamang takbo ng panahon, sa tamang oras, sa tamang pagkakataon. Naniniwala ako na darating ang panahon na matatapos din ang panahon ng paghihintay, mapapawi din ang lahat ng hirap na kinailangang pagdaanan.

Gusto kong maghintay. Maghihintay ako, magdarasal ako. Naghihintay ako, nagdarasal ako. Salamat, Panginoon ko. ❤