The Most Insecure & Envious Lady I Knew

Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 11.36.25 PMI’ve had uncountable evidence-based encounters with a very insecure and envious lady. In fact, I intimately know her, we’ve been close for 25years now. Yes, you’re guessing it right, that insecure and envious lady’s me.

I was having dinner earlier until there was a sudden prompting in my head to write about insecurity and envy. Last Sunday, it was our topic during Bible Study (which I, myself led), it’s also been my screaming struggle for the past months, and from all these I’ve realized how damaging these two tag-team words could be to any woman. So I’m here in my room now typing away, hoping not to miss even a tiny detail I want to share about it. Let’s begin.

Yes, I was insecure and envious, I’d like to declare that it’s in the past because I do not want to be it anymore. The struggle was too serious, it’s the ugliest feeling ever because I tend to compare myself with anyone, to calculate gestures and actions that wouldn’t really require much attention, I would hate someone who isn’t doing anything wrong with me, someone who may not even care about me.  My insecurity would make me paranoid and envious, my envy would make me insecure. It’s a twin sin! I tell you, it’s gross, it’s ugly, eww, yuckiest feeling ever. But evidently, it was so hard for me to get rid of, sometimes I would still feel it no matter how much I would renounce and rebuke it. But the Lord said trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, that I just have to acknowledge Him in all my ways and He’ll make my path straight. I believe this passage is packaged with Him making me secure in Him.

First, I had to find out why I was being insecure and envious. One time in one of my Bible Study groups, one girl mentioned that the most probable reason why we hate people is because we see ourselves in them. In my perspective, maybe our former self that has been changed and we do not want to encounter anymore, and I personally have this tendency of being overly idealistic that whenever I’d get over a negative attitude of mine, I would start expecting others to do the same thing speedily—which makes me impatient and not reliant on the Lord’s grace on how He would transform people. Or it could be me seeing my current self, you see that person doing what you want to do and you feel envious because he/she seems to be doing it better than you do. And the lies of the enemy would begin to suck the security and confidence out of you by putting thoughts in your head such as: you are inadequate, you’re never enough, you’ll never elevate and you’ll keep coming back to your old life, you’re a loser. Next thing you know, you are already full of grudge, sorrow and pain in your heart.

About 2months ago, I acknowledged being envious at someone, she’s a friend from the pageant industry, I’d compare myself to this lady, wouldn’t celebrate for her accomplishments, I would even find faults in her. She’s a Christian too, but I’d question God why He’d give her abundant blessings when I don’t really see her serving Him well (like I see the whole picture). I’m like Martha in Luke 10:38-42 of the Bible, when she had Jesus visit her home, she was too busy and distracted doing things for the Lord while her sister Mary was very relaxed, sat on the Lord’s feet and savored her time with Him. Martha was bitter and commanded Jesus to tell Mary to help her, Jesus told her that she was worried and upset about a lot of things while Mary chose the better choice of spending time with Him. Meehhn, I just got slapped by reality right there. When I told that lady about how I feel towards her, she gave me a very pleasant reply. She was very nice. We didn’t talk after she replied but I’d like to think that God has healed and freed me since then. And I hope to bump into her one day and finally start a good friendship. God can make all things new, and I’m sure He may also restore my friendship with her.  I realized that God is never after my service for Him. In fact, He doesn’t need my help. He doesn’t need me to serve Him. He simply wants to see me delight in Him, just like Mary, and my service is just the result of the overflowing love and attention I’m getting from the Lord. It shouldn’t be burdensome. It shouldn’t be done out of selfish intentions, neither out of competition. *Breathe* That was very liberating.

Another reason why insecurity was very evident in me is that I tend to focus on two things: (1) myself — it’s always frustrating when I look within me (without Him in me), because I’m limited and I get exhausted; (2) others — opens door for comparison. My heart is really filthy (without Him).  But look, the only way insecurity and envy may be avoided and even eliminated is each time I would just focus my attention on Jesus. Because with Him, I’m limitless. With Jesus, I won’t have to compare myself with anyone, I’d see things on a better perspective, I’d look at people beautifully, it’s all appreciation with everyone that gets highlighted. Again, that’s only when I’m focused on the Perfecter of my faith.

I treat the illness of insecurity and envy the same way I treat unforgiveness. I believe it is a choice and not a mere feeling to forgive, and it’s also a choice not to feel insecure and envious along with trying not to be prideful and assuming. It should be fought each time the negative emotions would try to cripple and paralyze you again. Insecurity is imposed by the enemy that we begin battling with in our cranium, so we slaughter it from there. We choose the right thoughts with the right perspective. We intentionally fight the false whispers we hear, reject it and replace it with the Lord’s Promise, and claim His’ Promise through prayer. It’s always easier said than done, but for the ones who find it hard to fight it like I do, keep trying, keep enduring, keep obeying by humbling ourselves always no matter how hard and painful it may be. It’s hard to be good when you don’t feel good. But again, God is faithful and my incapability and unfaithfulness doesn’t limit Him. I do not define Him, He defines me. He is the Lord and the Master here.

Security sets in when I am able to grasp and recognize that it is about Him and what He is capable of doing in and through me. That I don’t have to be burdened anymore. I just have to keep on trusting Him and keep believing in His’ greater purpose for my life.

In Psalm 4:3-8, it says: Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord. Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?” Let the light of your face shine on us. Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

May we all ALWAYS find SECURITY in the LORD. Good night!

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