I’m staring at your eyes now and I can glance at your story. I know exactly how you feel. It was the same expression I saw in the mirror not too long ago. I’m not trying to freak you out. I just know. I’ve been there myself.
I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be in that vicious cycle anymore, but you find it so hard to let go. One morning, you’d wake up and tell yourself you’ll make things right. Two days later, your emotions will eat you up and you’re there again, back in the same toxic situation. You wake up and sleep with a heavy heart. In fact, you lack sleep cause the Spirit hunts you. You ignore it, and then you go and find ways to cover the sorrow. Oh gosh, the world doesn’t run out of bullshit—and because you are blinded, you buy it. You go out, go to work, meet friends, do sports, distract and amuse yourself with empty pleasures and make it seem like nothing is wrong. You think of creative ways on how your life will appear to be pretty and bright on your social media sites. You deceive nothing but the ones clueless of your real situation. You practically deceive everyone because you are the only one who knows you’re actually wretched. You don’t want to share it with anyone, not even to the people closest to you. You ignore the misery. You’re allergic with accountability, afraid people may judge you, not wanting to frustrate anyone, so you stick with your pride, put on the happy mask and role play!
But your eyes, blame your eyes that I see your secret. Blame it that it cannot hide the intensity of troubles you brought yourself in to. Blame your eyes for not lying, for showing that deep down your core, you know you’re empty, you know that no matter how much you try to make things seem okay it’ll never be okay unless you decide to get out of that toxic life, unless you let go of that sin.
Woman, it’s time to surrender. It’s time to stop doing it your way. I can’t promise you an easy way out, because there’s no shortcut to that. But as you endure, as you obey the path of truth everyday, it’ll get better, the wounds will dry slowly, make sure not to scratch it again, and it’ll eventually heal. Give it to Him, your First Love, remember? Go back to Him and don’t forsake Him anymore. Remember everything He’s done for you and all He’s yet to do if you obey. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge that you are hurting, that you need help, that you need people to pray for you. Don’t be deceived by the enemy’s lie that tells you that you’ll never change. Do not get stuck. That’s not your destiny! You’re meant for greatness! You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are victorious in Christ. Do what you can do to return to Him, do it everyday, it takes deliberate action & daily decision; as you go on you’ll see how He’ll take care of the things unseen. Let His’ grace and mercy take over. Let Him comfort you once again, find rest in Him. He’s waiting. You are redeemed.
Your Sister in Christ