While the Failing Continues, The Failure Continues

I made a promise to give an update regarding my application for this flight attendant job I intensely wanted. Here it is. I was on my way home from a Bible study in Greenhills at about 12 midnight when I checked my email and saw an unread item that got me giddy. The company I applied for finally replied. I got very excited for a second until I clicked and opened the mail. *Breathe* I failed my application as a flight attendant — for Qatar Airways. It hurts. In Tagalog: ANG SAKIT.  

It hurts because I went through a bunch of screenings, and I sincerely believe it all went well. There were about 4 tests before I finally had my final interview. About 2 weeks after my final interview the company asked for a photo of the scar on my wrist. I got it from playing basketball when I was in high school. After I sent the scar photo, 3 more weeks, and I got the reject email.
What’s funny was prior to receiving the rejection, I was very convinced and passionately sharing to my friends about how we should be satisfied at Jesus, and how I felt very satisfied at Him that week. When I got the letter, I broke down. I had to preach the same truth I preached to the girls to myself, how ironic right? 

If counting the number of failures and rejections would be a competition, I’d probably be the grand winner. If rejection was a course in college, I’d probably be the perfect professor for it. The queen of rejection. These were the initial thoughts I had when I failed my application at QR a month ago. I was so hurt.

Let me give you a quick tour to some of the rejections/failures I remember encountering. Nursery, I cried over a juice drink I bought, it was handed to my classmate but I was the one who paid for it. Imagine how traumatic that could be for a child. When I was in 5th Grade, I joined a poster-drawing contest, exerted so much effort on it, during the winner’s announcement, I heard my team’s name being called and I immediately ran to the stage and assumed that it was my drawing that won, until I saw someone from the same team as mine being awarded, I checked, and the drawing that was brought on stage was evidently not mine. I felt so embarrassed, I had to walk down the stage and went home empty handed. In college, I had two ex boyfriends, both lasted for two years, and both of them broke up with me. I desperately ran after the 2nd one, in less than a year after the break up, I found out that he was already getting married. I went to the USA alone when I was 17 years old. I was checked & interrogated for 4hours at Detroit Airport, same day I was sent back to the Philippines because of my message to my grandpa that the immigration officers found at my email account, telling him I wanted to go to the USA and work — with a tourist visa. In all the beauty and modeling contests I joined, I never won even a special award, never made it as a semi finalist, and never experienced the question and answer portion. Modeling gigs, rejected for being short. I only did Philippine Fashion Week once, in 2008, after the height requirement increased, no PFW go sees would accept me. In high school I was given a merit award, I was very very happy because it was the first time for me to get recognized academically. And then a day later my adviser came to me and told me that she made an error, that she overlooked 1 of my subjects which failed to make me get the award by 1%. She said I could keep the merit certificate as a remembrance even if it doesn’t have value anymore. (Ouch.) There was another high school incident when we had this “Shakespeare” oratorical-speech-contest, I practiced hard for it because they said whoever wins will be sent to London, I made it until the final stage of the screening, waited for the announcement, till it was silently announced that the contest will no longer push through, no more London. The teacher who headed it said I was the winner. But there was no more contest, so it didn’t really matter.

If you’ve reached this part of the blog, thank you so much for (virtually) listening. I hope it doesn’t make you feel like this is a self pity party. I only released it all, so I could finally let go of it all. Also, I’m not blaming God nor anyone for any of it. Most of my failures occurred because of my self-serving, vain, unwise and stubborn decisions, and some, maybe are practically just not meant for me.  

On my recent rejection encounter at Qatar, I prayed and asked God to speak to me. I asked Him to make me understand. And He lead me to John 15, here, Jesus talks about Him being the vine and us being the branches, that we will only bear fruit if we will remain in Him. Apart from Him, we can do nothing. I realized that God allowed most of my failures and rejections to occur because I did most of them for my own sake, I got Him a little bit involved in some of it but I wasn’t really doing it for Him. 

For the other rejections that seem strange and unbearable, here’s what Christ has to say: “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” John 15:18-19 — It felt like a mic-drop moment of Christ to me. (Medyo napahiya lang naman ako in a gracious way sa mga rants and kaartehan ko kay Lord.) What do I expect out of Christianity? Really? To be loved and adored by the world? The answer is right here: Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 — Now that HIT HARD. Haiii Lord. Please continue to sanctify me until it gets to a point wherein You will solely, wholly and gloriously be pleased with all that I am & do. 

This is an encouragement to us who may have gone through lots of failures and rejections. It’s okay not to be okay. But it’s also vital that we pause and ponder on things, to check our mistakes and acknowledge them, to ask for forgiveness for it, and forgive ourselves because the Lord has forgiven us, to keep trusting no matter how much more failures and rejections we may go through, to accept that failures and rejections are unavoidable. The true measurement of being a Christian isn’t how much praises we get when we experience earthly victories, but how much praises we give Him when we go through tests, struggles and pain. In my 6years in the faith, it is only now that I’m beginning to realize and embrace that Christianity isn’t fancy, it ain’t no fairytale, it could be messy and sorrowful. But Jesus says, in this world we will have trouble, but take heart for He has overcome the world. 😢 

I’ve been back to work for a month now, not an FA job, not something I asked for but something I believe God gave and blesses me with at the moment. Again, we do not skip a season. I’ll probably share about this new-old job of mine on my next blog. I also applied for another airline, and I’ll have my 2nd interview tomorrow. Let’s see how it goes. Until then, Jesus remains faithful, He’s the reason why I keep going. Xxx

Struggle Is Real: devil steals, Jesus Heals 

Sin begins in the head, I agree, I extremely agree. Sin begins as an idea brought to life. Sin begins with doubt, with insecurity, with pride. I’ve been sinning heavily in my head lately, and I’d like to share it now because I don’t want to struggle with lies and fearfully keep it to myself. Expose your sin!!! I want to get rid of this state because I’m very sure those ugly thoughts are no good, it would’ve trapped me to deleteriousness  like it did before. 

For the past 2weeks, I find myself “prospecting” for a potential boyfriend, I know it’s embarrassing and it’s an ugly feeling which probably birthed because I’ve been watching love story stuff lately and I wanted those romantic scenes for my life too. But my heart wasn’t in place, I wanted love wrongly and there came my mind thinking “Lord, pwede na ‘to, he’s kinda cute.” asking “Lord, could he be the one?” My gosh!  This is the least thing I want to think of and WORRY about, but they were lingering in my head! 😭 I caught myself sinning again on this aspect. And it’s my weakness. 

This usually happens when I don’t allot time reading the Bible & praying, and when I’m not surrounded with my family of believers. Lately, I don’t really get to go church and fellowship with my Christian friends. It’s been mostly about work. So I lost track, lost security. It’s amazing that my devotions lately would emphasize a lot about security. It’s what I’ve actually been praying for: to be so secured in Christ that I won’t feel the need of having someone to take care of me not out of pride but simply out of a hear fully satisfied, secured and content with the love I get from Above, from Him. Well, we’ll get there, by God’s grace. But I have to expose and confess this for now so I’ll get my reward in full.

6years single, 1year not dating, and Valentine’s Day is coming. Does my life suck? I’m very very excited as I share this. Last 2 weeks has been a roller coaster ride in my head. I’ve dealt with emotions I haven’t felt in a long time. These are emotions I don’t really like, willing spirit & weak flesh: being attracted at a non-Christian, flirting, compromising, negotiating with God in my head, asking “Lord, could he be the one?”. I never thought I could still actually feel all these. I panicked, (but I think) it was a good kind of panicking cause since I wasn’t feeling peace, I had to call Steffi and Issa, my spiritual leader/friends. I confessed what I was going through and had them pray for me. 

False love makes me out of focus, makes me insecure and self centered, false love makes me very irrational, makes me forget my responsibilities. I forgot I was charging my powerbank the other week because of a guy (I though) I liked. I had a flight to Cebu and it totally didn’t cross my mind to unplug it because I was distracted. Look, that doesn’t seem to make such a big deal to some, but it is to me, cause it’s a symptom already. I hope you don’t get the wrong impression on this, I just really really really wanna be preserved & reserved for my God’s Best. Bible says we have to be careful and sober-minded with our decision making. That moment made me backtrack to all the unworthy thigs I did in the name of FALSE love. Goosebumps! 

Eventually, God answers. Could that someone really be the one? And He clearly showed me a big NO. I began to see that the guy doesn’t seem to match the things in my prayer list. It’s good when you keep a non-negotiable list. It sets the standards, it gets your mind and heart back in place. Praise God for I am more discerning now, and I already get to fight my thoughts. Praise God for friends to pray with and His’ powerful Word that would speak gently yet firmly to me. He assured me in Psalm 121 that He will not allow my foot to slip. He knows I’m weak at this area, and He just wanted me to humble myself and ask for help. He is my Protector and He won’t slumber in guiding & getting me out of trouble. He will protect my life now and forever. 

2 of things to remind us SINGLES this commencing Valentine’s Season and always: 

1) Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for everything you do flows from it. – Beshy, this is a serious deal. I used to think that tiny sins in my head don’t really matter, but these itsy-bitsy bad ideas led me to huge troubles then. Guarding your heart is an action verb, effort! Stay away from sin, choose your thoughts, confess it to someone who can pray for you. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, when I had those bad thoughts the other week I totally lost my focus, no peace, that’s what the enemy does.  Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly – John 10: 10. It practically felt like Christ fought for me during the two weeks of struggling. He swiftly answered my critical questions. Again, my non-negotiable list on my “God’s Best” helps a lot, it has kept me on standards. Make your own list too! It also made me realize that I really am still worldly in a lot of ways cause I’d get attracted to someone that doesn’t meet what I pray for. That’s what I pray to be changed now! So yeah, it takes deliberate effort to guard your heart.

2) Colossians 3:2 SET YOUR MIND on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. | Romans 8:5-7 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so. — Peace is everything! Only Jesus can give it! If you don’t have peace, think again! Don’t be scared assessing yourself and questioning your thoughts. 

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” -Jesus



Note To Self: You will never perish, no one will snatch you out of Christ’s  hand. May you always find security and fullness of love in Him. GB is yet to come. For now, savor the life of being single and freely, peacefully, joyfully centered in His’ will. 💞 😉  

Getting There


You know what I’ve been learning lately? I meant not cause I’ve read it somewhere, but because I do see it myself. We all suck at one thing, sometimes we’re in denial, but it shows in our eyes and it couldn’t be concealed. We suck at our hearts, it is awful — well, apart from the One who created it. That’s cause we’re given the free will to make it function, to choose, and most of the time our choice is to be dumb, we don’t guard it well, we choose sin. 

Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins. Ecclesiastes 7:20 

For all have sinned and fall short of the Lord’s glory, that includes the decisions we make with our relationships that could be decisions away from Him. Our visions cater only for ourselves. We settle for anything or anyone temporal. We settle for what’s bearable instead of waiting for what’s best. 

It’s only until we open our hearts to our Original Lover that we truly understand why it beats. Jesus, in Him we have redemption through His’ blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His’ grace. -Ephesians 1:7 Men, He really is the Ultimate and Only answer to our riddles and endless arguments, the Only One who can redeem us, the One Solution to the gazillion issues we have. I can attest to it. I see it in my life when I chose Him. And to convince you even more, I see it in my friends’ lives too as they’ve decided to choose Him. Oh by the way, it is a daily surrender, so we choose Him daily. He’s THE Way, THE Truth and THE life. That doesn’t leave us any other choice. Unless we want the wrong way, to hell.

Hesitant? Pray some more. Ask for courage, wisdom and strength. He will lead you to His’ peace. Peace, that’s something only the Lord can offer. When there’s no peace, girl, you better think twice. 🙄 

Hard to let go? Surrender. Obedience is what He asks from us. You may not understand why but trust the faith He instilled in you. God doesn’t have an ugly plan. Every good and perfect gift is from Him. 🙂 

Healing? Good job. Keep persevering. Perseverance is the key. It’s not easy, but you’re almost there. Don’t lose your focus and keep doing what you ought to do. Coldplay says nobody said it was easy, but hey, let Christ fix you. 😉

Healed? Go ahead and be used by Him to reach out to the ones going through the same pain you’ve gone through. Go live out your purpose and give Him glory. Mark 1:17 Jesus said “Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men.” Use your pain to bless people, to get people to know Him, that they may get others to know Him too. 😁

Choosing Jesus wasn’t easy. Gosh!!! Sobrang hirap. I was very very very stubborn. But He persistently sent people to guide me to His truth, He pursued and enticed me to His’ glory. Everyday, He gives me a reason to obey. Struggle was real, and still is. But it gets better. 🙂 I may have been very-very-very hard headed, but Holy-Holy-Holy is the Lord God, Almighty. Let’s choose Jesus, and let everyone witness the GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD. 😘

The Most Insecure & Envious Lady I Knew

Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 11.36.25 PMI’ve had uncountable evidence-based encounters with a very insecure and envious lady. In fact, I intimately know her, we’ve been close for 25years now. Yes, you’re guessing it right, that insecure and envious lady’s me.

I was having dinner earlier until there was a sudden prompting in my head to write about insecurity and envy. Last Sunday, it was our topic during Bible Study (which I, myself led), it’s also been my screaming struggle for the past months, and from all these I’ve realized how damaging these two tag-team words could be to any woman. So I’m here in my room now typing away, hoping not to miss even a tiny detail I want to share about it. Let’s begin.

Yes, I was insecure and envious, I’d like to declare that it’s in the past because I do not want to be it anymore. The struggle was too serious, it’s the ugliest feeling ever because I tend to compare myself with anyone, to calculate gestures and actions that wouldn’t really require much attention, I would hate someone who isn’t doing anything wrong with me, someone who may not even care about me.  My insecurity would make me paranoid and envious, my envy would make me insecure. It’s a twin sin! I tell you, it’s gross, it’s ugly, eww, yuckiest feeling ever. But evidently, it was so hard for me to get rid of, sometimes I would still feel it no matter how much I would renounce and rebuke it. But the Lord said trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, that I just have to acknowledge Him in all my ways and He’ll make my path straight. I believe this passage is packaged with Him making me secure in Him.

First, I had to find out why I was being insecure and envious. One time in one of my Bible Study groups, one girl mentioned that the most probable reason why we hate people is because we see ourselves in them. In my perspective, maybe our former self that has been changed and we do not want to encounter anymore, and I personally have this tendency of being overly idealistic that whenever I’d get over a negative attitude of mine, I would start expecting others to do the same thing speedily—which makes me impatient and not reliant on the Lord’s grace on how He would transform people. Or it could be me seeing my current self, you see that person doing what you want to do and you feel envious because he/she seems to be doing it better than you do. And the lies of the enemy would begin to suck the security and confidence out of you by putting thoughts in your head such as: you are inadequate, you’re never enough, you’ll never elevate and you’ll keep coming back to your old life, you’re a loser. Next thing you know, you are already full of grudge, sorrow and pain in your heart.

About 2months ago, I acknowledged being envious at someone, she’s a friend from the pageant industry, I’d compare myself to this lady, wouldn’t celebrate for her accomplishments, I would even find faults in her. She’s a Christian too, but I’d question God why He’d give her abundant blessings when I don’t really see her serving Him well (like I see the whole picture). I’m like Martha in Luke 10:38-42 of the Bible, when she had Jesus visit her home, she was too busy and distracted doing things for the Lord while her sister Mary was very relaxed, sat on the Lord’s feet and savored her time with Him. Martha was bitter and commanded Jesus to tell Mary to help her, Jesus told her that she was worried and upset about a lot of things while Mary chose the better choice of spending time with Him. Meehhn, I just got slapped by reality right there. When I told that lady about how I feel towards her, she gave me a very pleasant reply. She was very nice. We didn’t talk after she replied but I’d like to think that God has healed and freed me since then. And I hope to bump into her one day and finally start a good friendship. God can make all things new, and I’m sure He may also restore my friendship with her.  I realized that God is never after my service for Him. In fact, He doesn’t need my help. He doesn’t need me to serve Him. He simply wants to see me delight in Him, just like Mary, and my service is just the result of the overflowing love and attention I’m getting from the Lord. It shouldn’t be burdensome. It shouldn’t be done out of selfish intentions, neither out of competition. *Breathe* That was very liberating.

Another reason why insecurity was very evident in me is that I tend to focus on two things: (1) myself — it’s always frustrating when I look within me (without Him in me), because I’m limited and I get exhausted; (2) others — opens door for comparison. My heart is really filthy (without Him).  But look, the only way insecurity and envy may be avoided and even eliminated is each time I would just focus my attention on Jesus. Because with Him, I’m limitless. With Jesus, I won’t have to compare myself with anyone, I’d see things on a better perspective, I’d look at people beautifully, it’s all appreciation with everyone that gets highlighted. Again, that’s only when I’m focused on the Perfecter of my faith.

I treat the illness of insecurity and envy the same way I treat unforgiveness. I believe it is a choice and not a mere feeling to forgive, and it’s also a choice not to feel insecure and envious along with trying not to be prideful and assuming. It should be fought each time the negative emotions would try to cripple and paralyze you again. Insecurity is imposed by the enemy that we begin battling with in our cranium, so we slaughter it from there. We choose the right thoughts with the right perspective. We intentionally fight the false whispers we hear, reject it and replace it with the Lord’s Promise, and claim His’ Promise through prayer. It’s always easier said than done, but for the ones who find it hard to fight it like I do, keep trying, keep enduring, keep obeying by humbling ourselves always no matter how hard and painful it may be. It’s hard to be good when you don’t feel good. But again, God is faithful and my incapability and unfaithfulness doesn’t limit Him. I do not define Him, He defines me. He is the Lord and the Master here.

Security sets in when I am able to grasp and recognize that it is about Him and what He is capable of doing in and through me. That I don’t have to be burdened anymore. I just have to keep on trusting Him and keep believing in His’ greater purpose for my life.

In Psalm 4:3-8, it says: Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Offer the sacrifices of the righteous and trust in the Lord. Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?” Let the light of your face shine on us. Fill my heart with joy when their grain and new wine abound. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

May we all ALWAYS find SECURITY in the LORD. Good night!

Oh My “gods”

00006

Why I stopped believing in so many gods and decided to focus on only One?

Here’s why. I grew up believing in so many things. I’ve mastered the world and/or the world mastered me by me taking whatever it puts in my plate. I learned certain knowledge in school, outside school, in the internet, television, papers, through the deceiving and persuasive flowery words of people, I learned everything everywhere and I took to life everything I liked.

There wasn’t anything solid about the things I believed in aside from the fact that it catered to how I wanted things to function in my life, supported my selfish and emotional life decisions, and that I took them all as ego boosters.

Some of the gods I had in my life were the following:

(1) Horoscope – Some time in high school, I’d always wait for the forecast of my zodiac sign to be mentioned on a daily basis in a local morning show. It didn’t end there, in college I was also enticed in reading the zodiac page in magazines and get carried away on what it has to say about my future.

(2) Fortune Telling – Yes, I was exposed to this. I kind of allowed certain words to be planted in my head and my heart which could actually mean a curse for God’s plans for me. It caused me confusion. One man told me that I was going to be a flight attendant and have a lot of boyfriends in the future, even mentioned I’m gonna have a Mexican looking son. And then another fortune teller told me other stuff that don’t match what the 1st one said. It piled up in my head. It confused me and affected my decision making. But I believe God has already released me from all these things, that the chains of imprisonment in those fancy human based thoughts have already been broken. Trust in the Lord alone.

Leviticus 19:26 “You shall not eat any flesh with the blood in it. You shall not interpret omens or tell fortunes.

Deuteronomy 18:10-14 There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you. You shall be blameless before the Lord your God, for these nations, which you are about to dispossess, listen to fortune-tellers and to diviners. But as for you, the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this.

(3) Smart people – I can get gullible and easily carried away when I’m faced with an overly smart person who’s very convincing. The thing is not all smart people are biblically smart for knowledge and wisdom are evidently two different matters. Not all knowledge are right, not even all wisdom came from the Lord.

1 John 4:1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

James 3:14-15 But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. 

(4) Relationship – Idolatry alert, I desire love so much and there is nothing wrong with it. What makes it wrong is the distortion of my desires for it. Relationship was my god, it was my idol.

Relying on these things devalued God and what He’s capable of doing to my life. Bible says don’t be deceived by the things of the world and don’t practice them. God says don’t rely on human efforts but put our trust in Him alone. Now, I only have One God. The legitimate and the Only One, Jesus Christ. Nobody comes to the Father except through Him. And so I won’t trade Him for the world. Baamm! xx

Transitions

Transition (tranˈziSH(ə)n)
the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another – – – synonyms: changeover, conversion, development, evolution, growth, progress, shift, transformation, alteration, turning point, realignment

***

unnamedTransition, seems positive to me! I like the transitions that’ve been happening in my life lately. One of it is the urgency of my resignation from Captured Dream Productions, which became my home and my family for more than a year. It was bitter/sweet parting ways with them, cause I already became comfortable and close with my workmates. God taught me a lot in that company and sadly, my season there had to end. I remember praying for that job and receiving it as my breakthrough March 2014. Here’s the proof: CLICK ME 🙂  On a lighter note, it was just the job that I left, not the friends I made. 😉

unnamed7

And so I prayed for a new job, and again, I was very particular with my prayer points. I won’t be disclosing the details of it anymore but all my prayers were answered. God immediately gave me my job at GAVA Technologies Inc. as a Marketing Associate, I got hired the day I officially resigned from CDP. I’ve been with GAVA for 3 weeks now. In all honesty, it’s challenging, it’s corporate and very systematised! I’m kinda not used to it, but I believe He’s the One who brought me there so I’m hopeful that He’ll provide for the grace in making me contribute to GAVA. 🙂

Another thing I love about my new job is the larger scale of opportunity for me to familiarise myself with foundations all around the country and abroad (*fingers crossed*), we partner with ABS-CBN Foundation, World Vision, UNICEF, etc.

unnamed12

Last week, we visited SOS Children’s Village Philippines in Alabang, it’s a charity organisation founded by an Austrian named Hermann Gmeiner. You must be wondering why a tech company is partnering with foundations such as this. Well that’s because of our product, Gift It, it’s a generosity (online) app that is yet to be launched on October. It aims to build an ecosystem of giving to charity foundations and to friends on special occasions. Such an irony that God brought me here, I’d always pray that He would teach me to be more generous cause I was the type who always likes receiving. Oh well, my God is very clever. I’m convinced that I’m in the right path; for the Lord said, it’s better to give than to receive. Gift It surely has that quality! Another challenge for me (and for any of us) as I (/we) download the app soon. Hehe.

Transition 2 is my elevated value for friendship. Ever had people in your life you never imagined yourself being close with? I do.

unnamed4 unnamed3I never thought friendship could be as intense as what I have with these women, my sisters in Christ. I witnessed it a month ago during ate Mitch and Kuya Christian’s wedding, when we prayed, had some #realtalk, and when they listened and encouraged me in the midst of my roller coaster emotions. Kris, Ate Monica, Mel, Ate Mitch… in case you’re reading this now, thank you for being my accountability partners, for always pointing me to Him and reminding me of how much He loves me. I never understood and appreciated the perks of having sisters in Christ until my mentor, Tita Iris highlighted that I surround myself with girl friends. I literally found legit sisters in their persona, and I’m excited cause I’ve got more sisterhood to build and rekindle. Like the one below, my chinita-college-friends Mixy and Cam. I had a great time catching up with them. Below it is a photo of my rare bike-date with my cousins, Jazmin and Freida. Cousins can be awesome friends too!

unnamed1

unnamed9

Does this mean I shall avoid befriending men? Hebrews 13:1 says keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. And Proverbs 4:23 says above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. As I understood it, it’s alright befriending men but I shall deliberately draw a fine, unbreakable & uncompromising line on my friendship with them because I have to guard my heart, reserve and preserve the best and only VIP slot for the man I will marry one day. Practical matters such us: not having a guy best friend, not isolating myself in a room with a man, no late night phone calls, texts, random Facebook messages out of boredom, no flirting, no casual one-on-one invites for coffee, these are some of the things I shall take note of and practice in my life, for God sees my heart! And of course, have women as my accountability partners for they can relate to me and they understand me more. Sharing my emotional side to men could be very dangerous, there’s a natural possibility to develop unnecessary feelings. I sincerely appreciate learning all these now. Again, because I have to guard my heart, that’s for my own good, and for my future partner too. It may seem too strict, but the greater love you want, the greater sacrifices you make, right?

unnamed2Which leads me to my 3rd transition, my view on relationship. I want my future husband to find delight as he finds out one day that I never cheated on him on the process of waiting for him, that I waited in purity, in truth and integrity. That I didn’t date any man just because I got impatient and felt lonely on the process of waiting for him. We (us women) always say we want what’s best for us, and we want to end up marrying the right man. But for every cause, comes a cost. I believe mine would involve a lot of sacrifices, patience and perseverance. If I truly-madly-deeply want to end up with the right man, I’ve got to consciously and purposefully be the right woman, not a mere wishful thinking, not chic-flick kinna thing, but a woman of fine and secure relationship with the Lord first, more than anything or anyone else. Because I’m believe in faith that the man my Heavenly Father is preparing for me will meet or even exceed my desires and expectations. That’s why I want to be my God’s Best’s answered prayer too!

Why do I consider it a transition? Because I never viewed relationship this way back then. Sadly, in my five years of being single it’s only recently that I realised these matters. No regrets though, better late than never. 😉

Transition 4, Siri couldn’t help me with heart problems.

unnamed8

But, here’s what I’ve learned…

unnamed10

I’m going 4years old with my relationship with Jesus Christ, and I still have a lot of transitioning to do. For now, I’d like to be thankful for the current realignment He’s been doing in and through me.

I pray that you would feel the same too in whatever season you may be in. May we always find it satisfying that even if we haven’t yet gone through transition in some areas of our lives, knowing that He’s with us in Spirit and in truth, we’ll be absolutely fine!

Sincerely,

unnamed5

Shall a woman pursue a man?

Coming home from work yesterday, I realized that almost my whole life I was always the one pursuing the boy/guy/man I like. Back when I was about 7years old I had a crush on my neighbor. I gave him a letter telling him that I like him. In 2nd year high school, I had a crush on a boy from the other class and all my friends knew about it, even the boy I liked knew it too. None of boys I liked pursued me. Perhaps because I wasn’t really as attractive as my other girl classmates were, I was boyish, I’d play basketball, I was the type who wouldn’t get flowers coming from an admirer every Valentines Day. Only my high school girl friends would give me roses back then. Haha. And why on earth did I want to be pursued back in my adolescent years? Uhg.

Every time a boy I liked would begin to like me, I’d refuse and I would eventually realize that I don’t like him anymore. For the ones I didn’t have a crush on, but liked me and courageously laid down their intentions, I’d usually give an instant “NO” and either verbally or mentally state these lines: please don’t like me, my decision won’t change, like someone else, go away. I would impulsively and emotionally do it just to get rid of the person without realizing how damaging my actions/thoughts/words could be to him.

I had 2 (ex) boyfriends, this was back in college. The 1st one pursued me because I saw his photo from a classmate’s phone, I found the guy cute, and I told my classmate to give him my number. I was practically the one who made the 1st move. We started texting, dated for a couple of days, became together, and our relationship lasted for two years. My 2nd boyfriend lasted for two years as well, but I can’t really say that he pursued me too because we just swiftly became together after my 1st boyfriend and I broke up. My relationships lasted pretty long but the foundations were shallow, it didn’t have Christ in the center, it was full of lies, petty arguments and insecurities, no doubt it all ended.

So here’s what I’ve realized: I had a distorted view of how dating/relationship/courtship shall be. I always thought it was okay for a woman to choose and pursue the man she likes. The truth though is that I shall never pursue a man, for it’s a man’s role to pursue a woman. I learned all these the hard and painful way, and I sincerely pray it won’t happen to any of you who’ll be able to stumble upon this blog.

When I learned about Jesus, that’s when I realized that I shall be pursued, for He is my ultimate pursuer even if I kept running away from Him a thousand times, He would still remind me of how much He loves me and He has forgiven me for all the wrong decisions I’ve made in my life. And there’s no condemnation in Him! That’s how much He sees me (us women) so purely and beautifully, just like Boaz’s love for Ruth despite her being a foreigner (she wasn’t Jewish), a widower (she wasn’t a virgin) and a servant girl (she wasn’t wealthy). Ultimately, despite my sinfulness and distorted beliefs, Jesus died for me, that I may be full of hope in believing that true love will come. In Christ, there’s no such thing as “hopeless romantic”, for His’ love for us is full of HOPE. And it’s where our path goes as we surrender our lives to Him. Mind you, it’s a daily surrender.

If you feel like making the first move for a man to like you, don’t. The happiest couples I know went through the right process of courtship. The woman was pursued by the man. The man prayed for the woman, asked the woman from the Lord. It was hard work, there were lots and lots of prayers. The women’s role during the process were to pray and wait. Again, to wait, to patiently wait and not make a single move that may trigger intentions and feelings that shouldn’t be orchestrated in the first place.

A lot of us may be chasing for true love; but as a woman, I believe God told me to stop. Because it was never my role to chase after love. I want to be like Ruth, to not just be seen by any man, but be understood, honored and revered by the one and only man the Lord’s preparing for me. (That’s gonna take a lot of work on my part as well. Faith without action is bs!) I want to be molded and be secured in Jesus at all times, that I may be worth it for His’ best for me. I think I found the right answer for the popular question of Adele’s song that a lot of women would ask: “Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?” Answer (to me) is: give up! If you are a woman, give up the pursuit of the one you think is right for you. Only the Lord knows who’s right for you, and according to my married friends, a man only becomes the “right one”  when there’s peace and joy as he pursues you, when it’s good and pleasing, and doesn’t cause you to breaking the Lord’s commandments.

B6oG2_VCUAAfEum

I think what made me do all the pursuing are my fears. But I shall know that perfect love drives out fear. That as I immerse myself in the Lord’s Perfect love, all these fears will go away. I’m excited. I hope to this right (this time around), by His’ grace. And if there is One Man that I shall pursue as I patiently wait to be pursued by the one, that has got to be Christ alone. No other man!

(Wrote this April 2015, few add ons today)

YOU MAKE ME BRAVE

brave

I wrote this one last September, 2014. I want to revive the feeling and the same passion I had for Him when I wrote it. I want Him to rule over my whole being every single day of my life. I want you Jesus. Make me brave again.

YOU MAKE ME BRAVE

You made me see the lies
You broke the ties
You fashioned me to be tame, to turn away from my shame
You built me, made me guilt-free
Justified, realigned, dignified me
You generated everything upright, causes the gloom to be bright
You know me, lived in this planet like You owed me

The mourning and weeping evaporated
Used to wake up every morning jaded
But you rescued me from those who pursued me
Cured and lured me with Your glory

Now, I’m living not in curse
I no longer thirst for the worst
Righteousness outburst
Enlivened by your calling
Now I can go on sailing

Your placidity is my sanity
Ingenuity, that’s Your quality
I may not understand you at times
Yet I envision the serene chimes
But that’s the point, bravery is not all-knowing
I just keep sowing
Keep going
No turning

You make me brave, rescued me from the pitch-black cave
Despite my misbehavior, you constantly prove you’re my Savior
I can’t help but savor this favor caused by your valor, my knight and shining armor.
Jesus, You make me brave.

🙂

JPNY Pilipinas Fashion Show

IMG_4510

1970430_1404701833125447_1187805302_n

Last Sunday, my team (Captured Dream Productions) organized our very first fashion show for JPNY Pilipinas by Jeffrey Rogador in SM BF Paranaque. A little background about the clothing brand, it started as a national costume (for Binibining Pilipinas 2014) of one of my good friends in pageantry, Angelique de Leon. The dress caught the viewers attention because it was unconventional, fun feel and comfortable; while typical filipinana national costumes are conservative, pretty heavy and bulky. Hehe. Right now, JPNY is a year old, worn by prominent personalities in fashion and entertainment industry, savored by Filipinos in the country and even overseas.

IMG_4707The fashion show went well, not bad for a 1st timer team to mount it, unlike other shows I’ve witnessed (as a model) wherein there were lots of unnecessary shouting and screaming. The favorite task I did that day wasn’t really part of my job description, but I believe it was the most necessary thing to do for the show or for any show to come out smoothly. Can you guess? I was tasked to lead the prayer before we launched. We prayed! 🙂 Such an awesome privilege! We gave thanks and honor to Him who is the giver of talent and creativity, the director every beautiful thing produced for the sake of fashion.

One of the shortest verses in the Bible is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, it says pray continually. Short yet vital. Prayer to me isn’t an option, it’s necessary, it’s our way of communicating to the Almighty as we thank Him for the blessings. It is an act of humility, telling Him that we cannot process well apart from Him.  I’ve had uncountable moments wherein I would forget about praying and my entire day would be so stressful. And I can vividly recall the times I knelt down and zealously asked him to answer my prayers, and He would. Some, He didn’t, others He tells me to patiently wait. Nevertheless, all He wants is for me to come close to Him, for my good and His’ glory.

I am encouraging everyone to pray: for this is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, he hears us1 John 5:14 Totally! And make sure that whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yoursMark 11:24

Claim it. Like the cool kids…

IMG_4593

…REJOICE and BE BLESSED! Xx 😉

Father to the Fatherless 

  
What I learned yesterday: Yes, He’s made a solution to that. In fact, He is the solution to it. Jsyk, you are not alone in that crazy life journey. 

I, myself grew up without the physical guidance of my Papa, that’s how I call my earthly father. He left for the United States with my mom back when I was in 6th Grade, I was about 13years old then. It was a hard decision my parents had to make just so they could send me and my 6 siblings to school and to a good college, feed us and provide for all our needs. I went through adolescent years without Sunday Family days, without Papa warning me of the things that could harm me, or affirming me about my achievements in school.  

In college, my friends would ask me how I manage to live a life away from my family, my parents’ guidance in particular. I would usually say it’s fine, it makes me feel independent and I like it. But I took my independence for granted, I became so independent that I wouldn’t listen to what my parents have to say each time they would tell me through their letters and phone calls to study hard, don’t focus on having a boyfriend, don’t go to parties. I’d say yes to their requests even if I didn’t mean those yeses, just so they wouldn’t cut my allowance. I was a disobedient daughter.

I messed up for dishonoring my Papa. I eventually became insecure about my relationship with him. Until I encountered my Heavenly Father. He became the father I’ve always wanted to have right beside me, the father I’ve always longed for. Papa may not have rescued me from the lame-materialistic-shallow life path I took before, but no one can really rescue any of us from sadness-fear-longingess-emptiness but our Eternal Father, the One who created us, the One who sent His’ gracious Son for us. 

Maybe some of you didn’t get the nurturing you wanted and needed from your earthly fathers. Maybe your dads are OFW’s (works abroad) like my Papa, they don’t get to spend quality time with you. Maybe your dad abandoned you when you were a baby. Maybe he passed away right after you were born. Maybe your dad abused you. You probably feel that life is so unfair, and you probably blame your father at some point for the life you had to go through because of his’ irresponsibility and insensitivity. Or your dad could probably be sick at the moment, and you feel his’ weakness. Maybe you’re going through any of these, but God the Father remains good and faithful. He can provide more than an earthly father could. He will. He just needs us to return to Him. He’s waiting. 

Right now, I can freely declare that I love my Papa. He’s imperfect, but I will never complain about his’ imperfection. He had to make a choice, and Papa chose to give me a good future and sacrifice almost his’ whole life to provide for us, his’ family. 

I, too will not feel condemned for my sins because God my Father loves me, when I returned to Him’ He clothed me with the robe of righteousness, He clothed me with strength and dignity and the heaven celebrates for my return. That’s the same love He has for you! It’s never too late to honor, love or maybe forgive our earthly father, and never to late to return to our Almighty Father. Cause ladies/gents, there’s nothing we can do for Him to love us less. Nothing. 😉 

All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him. – Isaiah 53:6

God bless you all!