While the Failing Continues, The Failure Continues

I made a promise to give an update regarding my application for this flight attendant job I intensely wanted. Here it is. I was on my way home from a Bible study in Greenhills at about 12 midnight when I checked my email and saw an unread item that got me giddy. The company I applied for finally replied. I got very excited for a second until I clicked and opened the mail. *Breathe* I failed my application as a flight attendant — for Qatar Airways. It hurts. In Tagalog: ANG SAKIT.  

It hurts because I went through a bunch of screenings, and I sincerely believe it all went well. There were about 4 tests before I finally had my final interview. About 2 weeks after my final interview the company asked for a photo of the scar on my wrist. I got it from playing basketball when I was in high school. After I sent the scar photo, 3 more weeks, and I got the reject email.
What’s funny was prior to receiving the rejection, I was very convinced and passionately sharing to my friends about how we should be satisfied at Jesus, and how I felt very satisfied at Him that week. When I got the letter, I broke down. I had to preach the same truth I preached to the girls to myself, how ironic right? 

If counting the number of failures and rejections would be a competition, I’d probably be the grand winner. If rejection was a course in college, I’d probably be the perfect professor for it. The queen of rejection. These were the initial thoughts I had when I failed my application at QR a month ago. I was so hurt.

Let me give you a quick tour to some of the rejections/failures I remember encountering. Nursery, I cried over a juice drink I bought, it was handed to my classmate but I was the one who paid for it. Imagine how traumatic that could be for a child. When I was in 5th Grade, I joined a poster-drawing contest, exerted so much effort on it, during the winner’s announcement, I heard my team’s name being called and I immediately ran to the stage and assumed that it was my drawing that won, until I saw someone from the same team as mine being awarded, I checked, and the drawing that was brought on stage was evidently not mine. I felt so embarrassed, I had to walk down the stage and went home empty handed. In college, I had two ex boyfriends, both lasted for two years, and both of them broke up with me. I desperately ran after the 2nd one, in less than a year after the break up, I found out that he was already getting married. I went to the USA alone when I was 17 years old. I was checked & interrogated for 4hours at Detroit Airport, same day I was sent back to the Philippines because of my message to my grandpa that the immigration officers found at my email account, telling him I wanted to go to the USA and work — with a tourist visa. In all the beauty and modeling contests I joined, I never won even a special award, never made it as a semi finalist, and never experienced the question and answer portion. Modeling gigs, rejected for being short. I only did Philippine Fashion Week once, in 2008, after the height requirement increased, no PFW go sees would accept me. In high school I was given a merit award, I was very very happy because it was the first time for me to get recognized academically. And then a day later my adviser came to me and told me that she made an error, that she overlooked 1 of my subjects which failed to make me get the award by 1%. She said I could keep the merit certificate as a remembrance even if it doesn’t have value anymore. (Ouch.) There was another high school incident when we had this “Shakespeare” oratorical-speech-contest, I practiced hard for it because they said whoever wins will be sent to London, I made it until the final stage of the screening, waited for the announcement, till it was silently announced that the contest will no longer push through, no more London. The teacher who headed it said I was the winner. But there was no more contest, so it didn’t really matter.

If you’ve reached this part of the blog, thank you so much for (virtually) listening. I hope it doesn’t make you feel like this is a self pity party. I only released it all, so I could finally let go of it all. Also, I’m not blaming God nor anyone for any of it. Most of my failures occurred because of my self-serving, vain, unwise and stubborn decisions, and some, maybe are practically just not meant for me.  

On my recent rejection encounter at Qatar, I prayed and asked God to speak to me. I asked Him to make me understand. And He lead me to John 15, here, Jesus talks about Him being the vine and us being the branches, that we will only bear fruit if we will remain in Him. Apart from Him, we can do nothing. I realized that God allowed most of my failures and rejections to occur because I did most of them for my own sake, I got Him a little bit involved in some of it but I wasn’t really doing it for Him. 

For the other rejections that seem strange and unbearable, here’s what Christ has to say: “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” John 15:18-19 — It felt like a mic-drop moment of Christ to me. (Medyo napahiya lang naman ako in a gracious way sa mga rants and kaartehan ko kay Lord.) What do I expect out of Christianity? Really? To be loved and adored by the world? The answer is right here: Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 — Now that HIT HARD. Haiii Lord. Please continue to sanctify me until it gets to a point wherein You will solely, wholly and gloriously be pleased with all that I am & do. 

This is an encouragement to us who may have gone through lots of failures and rejections. It’s okay not to be okay. But it’s also vital that we pause and ponder on things, to check our mistakes and acknowledge them, to ask for forgiveness for it, and forgive ourselves because the Lord has forgiven us, to keep trusting no matter how much more failures and rejections we may go through, to accept that failures and rejections are unavoidable. The true measurement of being a Christian isn’t how much praises we get when we experience earthly victories, but how much praises we give Him when we go through tests, struggles and pain. In my 6years in the faith, it is only now that I’m beginning to realize and embrace that Christianity isn’t fancy, it ain’t no fairytale, it could be messy and sorrowful. But Jesus says, in this world we will have trouble, but take heart for He has overcome the world. 😢 

I’ve been back to work for a month now, not an FA job, not something I asked for but something I believe God gave and blesses me with at the moment. Again, we do not skip a season. I’ll probably share about this new-old job of mine on my next blog. I also applied for another airline, and I’ll have my 2nd interview tomorrow. Let’s see how it goes. Until then, Jesus remains faithful, He’s the reason why I keep going. Xxx

A Necessary Detour 

At this very moment in my life, I believe I’m taking a detour. Dictionary defines detour as a way of getting to a place that is indirect and longer than the usual way, and which is taken in order to avoid a particular problem. An alternative route for use by traffic when the usual road is temporarily closed.

I believe I’m in a place where God will still take me to where He promises me to be, but it is necessary for me to go through His redirection, this detour, because He cares more about my heart than my success status. 1 Samuel 16:7 says “The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” I lost my job almost 2 months ago today, prior to losing it I would always pray that the Lord humbles my heart, *tuh-daa!* prayer granted! Losing my job as a flight attendant has been very humbling. I am grateful to immediately recognized that it was wholly and practically my fault why I got terminated. I was on probationary period for 5months. I knew I was going to take a written exam for my permanency and I did not review, I know my capabilities and I know exams aren’t something I should be complacent with because I know that I easily forget lessons that’s why extra effort of studying is a must for me to grasp things well. So yes, I failed because I deserved to fail. I did not deserve the permanency. Simple analogy, no one is to blame but myself and my irresponsibility. 

I would lie if I’d say that losing my job at PAL didn’t hurt me. I did love the job and I was passionate about it to an extent. Practically, on In-flight Duty Free sales and dealing with passengers; but flight safety knowledge is non-negotiable, and I was weak at safety. Maybe I didn’t love the job enough cause if I did, I would’ve exerted more effort on areas I am weak at. Same with the Lord, there’d be days l’d feel like I don’t love Christ enough to obey Him & be fully convinced of His love for me. Faith, unaccompanied by action is dead. I lost the job because I didn’t take action on the faith I professed. Perhaps, it wasn’t faith at all. 

I cannot expect a pleasant result for things I would do half heartedly. God gives and takes away. He takes away especially when He sees that I am unable to take care of the blessing. I did not take care of mine. Lesson learned, and as a Christian, I am sincerely, deeply and humbly sorry. 

I’m also grateful because though I know that my love for God will never be enough, that no matter how many times I have broken His heart with all the ugly things I’ve done, He remains faithful. His character doesn’t change. And that loving character He has is where I’m holding on to now, to being constantly transformed to becoming a better Christian. I needed this detour to be reminded of all these all over again. 

For now, I want to productively and graciously savor this redirection. I did apply for a job, still as a flight attendant because I sincerely still want to be one. If I make it, I’ll tell you, and please pray with me, that I’ll be good at it this time around, that I will finally be able to show that I really do love the job. If I don’t make it, there will always be somewhere else He will place me in, and I do declare that only by His grace and mercy I will be able to excel at it and give Him glory. His will alone be done. All I know now is no matter what career I end up doing, GRACE will always back me up, I’ll get there when I’m ready. My hope is in Christ. 

“Lord, my heart is not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I do not get involved with things too great or too difficult for me. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself like a little weaned child with its mother; I am like a little child. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, both now and forever.” Psalms‬ ‭131:1-3‬ 

DEAR TAZIC 🖤

Hindi ako makatulog, hindi ako matutulog unless malabas ko ang nararamdaman ko at malaman ng buong mundo kung gaano ka ka-dakila. Hindi pa ako pinapanganak, yaya ka na ng pamilya ko. Chubby ka pa dati, kasi ikaw palagi ang kumakaen ng tira naming magkakapatid, taga-ubos ng gulay, kasi hindi kami mahilig sa gulay nila kambal. Pinanganak si Paul, ikaw pa din ang naging yaya nya. Every time na magbibiro ka na lalayas ka na, iiyak kaming lahat, hahabulin ka namin hanggang sa gate ng Eastside. Memorized mo ang birthdays naming magkakapatid, pati relatives namin randomly ireremind mo kami na kaarawan nila at tatanongin mo kung na-greet na namin sila. Wala kang palya, Ate Tas!

Pumunta sa USA sila Mama and Papa more than 10years ago, ikaw na ang tumayong magulang ko dito sa Pinas. Kung may isang taong pinaka-nakakakilala sa akin, ikaw yun. Ikaw ang nagtitiyaga sa katamaran at kadamutan ko, ikaw ang sumasalo sa sama ng loob at init ng ulo ko sa mga bagay-bagay na walang katuturan. Ikaw ang nag-comfort sakin noong iniwan ako ng ex-boyfriend ko 6years ago, sinamahan mo ako sa mga impulsive/biglaang decisions ko. Yung nagka-dengue ako 2years ago, ikaw nagdala sa akin sa ospital at nag-alaga. Palagi mo akong binibilhan ng Jollibee every month kapag sumisweldo ka. Palagi mo akong pinapautang sa tindahan mo noong mga panahong unemployed ako. Palagi kang nandyan, palagi. Pero sorry Ate Tas cause I take your presence for granted, dahil hindi ko napapahalagahan ang pagmamahal mo sa akin. Ang dami mong ginawang kabutihan, hindi ka na nga nag-asawa, kami na ang naging pamilya mo. 

Ang prayer ko ay sana gumaling at lumakas ka na. Mawala ng ang sakit ng ulo mo, kumaen ka ng healthy and ng tama para hindi na ma-trigger ang diabetes mo. Jesus is your healer, Ate Tas! Go and be healed na dahil mag-movie date tayo soon, manonood tayo ng KathNiel, and I’ll bring you to Salad Stop, masarap ang gulay nila doon. 

I love you, Ate Tas! Jesus loves you so much! You are healed, in Christ’s Mighty Name. 💞

Struggle Is Real: devil steals, Jesus Heals 

Sin begins in the head, I agree, I extremely agree. Sin begins as an idea brought to life. Sin begins with doubt, with insecurity, with pride. I’ve been sinning heavily in my head lately, and I’d like to share it now because I don’t want to struggle with lies and fearfully keep it to myself. Expose your sin!!! I want to get rid of this state because I’m very sure those ugly thoughts are no good, it would’ve trapped me to deleteriousness  like it did before. 

For the past 2weeks, I find myself “prospecting” for a potential boyfriend, I know it’s embarrassing and it’s an ugly feeling which probably birthed because I’ve been watching love story stuff lately and I wanted those romantic scenes for my life too. But my heart wasn’t in place, I wanted love wrongly and there came my mind thinking “Lord, pwede na ‘to, he’s kinda cute.” asking “Lord, could he be the one?” My gosh!  This is the least thing I want to think of and WORRY about, but they were lingering in my head! 😭 I caught myself sinning again on this aspect. And it’s my weakness. 

This usually happens when I don’t allot time reading the Bible & praying, and when I’m not surrounded with my family of believers. Lately, I don’t really get to go church and fellowship with my Christian friends. It’s been mostly about work. So I lost track, lost security. It’s amazing that my devotions lately would emphasize a lot about security. It’s what I’ve actually been praying for: to be so secured in Christ that I won’t feel the need of having someone to take care of me not out of pride but simply out of a hear fully satisfied, secured and content with the love I get from Above, from Him. Well, we’ll get there, by God’s grace. But I have to expose and confess this for now so I’ll get my reward in full.

6years single, 1year not dating, and Valentine’s Day is coming. Does my life suck? I’m very very excited as I share this. Last 2 weeks has been a roller coaster ride in my head. I’ve dealt with emotions I haven’t felt in a long time. These are emotions I don’t really like, willing spirit & weak flesh: being attracted at a non-Christian, flirting, compromising, negotiating with God in my head, asking “Lord, could he be the one?”. I never thought I could still actually feel all these. I panicked, (but I think) it was a good kind of panicking cause since I wasn’t feeling peace, I had to call Steffi and Issa, my spiritual leader/friends. I confessed what I was going through and had them pray for me. 

False love makes me out of focus, makes me insecure and self centered, false love makes me very irrational, makes me forget my responsibilities. I forgot I was charging my powerbank the other week because of a guy (I though) I liked. I had a flight to Cebu and it totally didn’t cross my mind to unplug it because I was distracted. Look, that doesn’t seem to make such a big deal to some, but it is to me, cause it’s a symptom already. I hope you don’t get the wrong impression on this, I just really really really wanna be preserved & reserved for my God’s Best. Bible says we have to be careful and sober-minded with our decision making. That moment made me backtrack to all the unworthy thigs I did in the name of FALSE love. Goosebumps! 

Eventually, God answers. Could that someone really be the one? And He clearly showed me a big NO. I began to see that the guy doesn’t seem to match the things in my prayer list. It’s good when you keep a non-negotiable list. It sets the standards, it gets your mind and heart back in place. Praise God for I am more discerning now, and I already get to fight my thoughts. Praise God for friends to pray with and His’ powerful Word that would speak gently yet firmly to me. He assured me in Psalm 121 that He will not allow my foot to slip. He knows I’m weak at this area, and He just wanted me to humble myself and ask for help. He is my Protector and He won’t slumber in guiding & getting me out of trouble. He will protect my life now and forever. 

2 of things to remind us SINGLES this commencing Valentine’s Season and always: 

1) Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, GUARD YOUR HEART, for everything you do flows from it. – Beshy, this is a serious deal. I used to think that tiny sins in my head don’t really matter, but these itsy-bitsy bad ideas led me to huge troubles then. Guarding your heart is an action verb, effort! Stay away from sin, choose your thoughts, confess it to someone who can pray for you. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, when I had those bad thoughts the other week I totally lost my focus, no peace, that’s what the enemy does.  Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly – John 10: 10. It practically felt like Christ fought for me during the two weeks of struggling. He swiftly answered my critical questions. Again, my non-negotiable list on my “God’s Best” helps a lot, it has kept me on standards. Make your own list too! It also made me realize that I really am still worldly in a lot of ways cause I’d get attracted to someone that doesn’t meet what I pray for. That’s what I pray to be changed now! So yeah, it takes deliberate effort to guard your heart.

2) Colossians 3:2 SET YOUR MIND on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. | Romans 8:5-7 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so. — Peace is everything! Only Jesus can give it! If you don’t have peace, think again! Don’t be scared assessing yourself and questioning your thoughts. 

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.” -Jesus



Note To Self: You will never perish, no one will snatch you out of Christ’s  hand. May you always find security and fullness of love in Him. GB is yet to come. For now, savor the life of being single and freely, peacefully, joyfully centered in His’ will. 💞 😉  

2 Months Married

To my job. Yes, married to my job. Don’t worry, I’m not idolizing this career. That’s one thing I prayed for, that He grants me a job I won’t value above Him in my life. In case it happens, might as well take it away. I don’t want anything anymore, or even anyone to be my priority more than the relationship I have with Jesus. That would be exhausting.

I call it marriage because I believe a Christ-centered marriage doesn’t contradict or overpower God in your life, and it points people to His glory. A Christ-orchestrated-marriage is a glorious thing, it is savored with blessings and favor and peace. It also comes with challenges, with learning what to unlearn, what to get rid off to make the marriage work out, and acquiring certain qualities that will help the marriage flourish. A Christ-centered marriage, I also believe won’t go through divorce/annulment/separation. It is ever persevering and pressing on to work out, to get better.

My first two months at work were perfectly imperfect. I realized I have so much to learn. I’ve been checked 3x by cabin safety managers on my first month and it felt like all my boo-boo’s piled up and it caused me so much frustrations. These are some of the things I learned though: 1) I had to ACCEPT that I have so much to work on, I can’t just cry it out, I gotta work it it out. Exert an effort, do something to help myself get better; because faith without action is dead. In James 2:24 it says that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone. If I want excellence, I must not be complacent, I must work. 2Thessalonians 3:10 says “If anyone isn’t willing to work, he should not eat.” 2) I’m still adjusting, my gosh I’ve only been “married” for two months. I can’t be too “OC-hard” on myself. I should be grateful for the pointers I’m getting, because it gives me all the chances to get better NOW. No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11 3) I won’t give up on my marriage. He won’t give me anything I can’t handle. My flesh and my heart fails: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. -Psalm 73:26 

In a marriage, counseling is also important. I’m glad and blessed that He orchestrated flight schedules with people to encourage me, give constructive criticisms and teach me matters to help me improve at work. (Divine appointments!) The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Proverbs 12:15 I’m guilty for being a fool at some point, not wanting to accept that there are things that I have to work on with. People won’t notice a mistake and tell you more than twice if it doesn’t exist. I’m convicted. I have to change — for the better. 

Honestly, I’m challenged at my job. There are perks, yes, free travels, sustenance of food and comfortable place to stay in. But I don’t want to focus on the perks, I want to be good. I want to glorify Him with how I perform. I want to change, be transformed for this marriage to work out. Pray with me. 

Let’s pray for each other. May our careers give Him glory. 

Let the favor of the Lord our God be on us; establish for us the work of our hands– establish the work of our hands! Psalm 90:17

The LORD will grant you a blessing on your storehouses and on everything you do; He will bless you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Deuteronomy 28:8



Can’t Sleep | Davao

I’m flying early later, need to be up and get ready at 2am, it’s almost 2, and I haven’t slept yet. Buy why? Must be the Durian Coffee I tried for the first time this afternoon when we went to Paradise Beach Resort, Samal Island. Kasi naman hindi talaga ako coffee drinker, but Captain Leo insisted that I try it, eh masarap — kaya I finished the entire cup.🙈
I love being in this place. It’s my 3rd time to visit Davao and I always love the feels I get whenever I’m here. Funny cause I’d always go here for ‘work’ (judged for a pageant screening 2years ago, did a charity visit a year ago, and now my first layover as a flight attendant) but being here always gives me a vacation and relaxation vibe. The last time I was here, (last year) I met Mayor Duterte back when he didn’t want to run for presidency yet, glad to be one of the people who campaigned and prayed for him. Talking about praying for my country’s leader/s. I learned that each time I pray for a leader, I shouldn’t be placing my trust to the person I’m praying for, but to trust what my God can do in and through him that he may be able to do his’ duties well. Bible says put your trust not on man, but on God. My president, our country’s president is apparently flawed, imperfect, just like everyone else, just like you and I. And we can only truly pray that he gets wiser, healthier, humbler as God uses him to lead our nation. In  1Timothy 2:1-2 it says: I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. So whether we like Duterte or not, let’s pray for him, that every work of his hands may only contribute to our country’s progressive growth, may encourage every Filipino to be better individuals, and may give glory to our Father. So instead of ranting, let’s pray.😋

Again, we don’t trust men, we trust God’s work in men. Anti-idol, anti-disappointment, anti-stress. Kasi nga we were saved by grace, through faith, it’s the gift of God, not by our works so that nobody can boast. That’s why WE’RE LIVING THE LIGHT THAT ISN’T OURS, I heard this earlier as part of the lyrics in a random Christian channel I was listening to on Spotify. And it makes so much sense to me. All that we are, all a result of Grace.  
O sya, malapit na mag-2am, praying for GRACE now. I need strength, power & excellence at work later. 

Forever thankful & blessed by Christ, Riri💜 

The Unmarried Wife Aftermath 

I’ve been reserving my thoughts on adultery for a book I wanted to write in the future that I haven’t even drafted yet. But cause I watched such an impactful movie last night, it could no longer wait. Forget about the book. This isn’t a movie review. This is my piece, not out of research, but out of a bold experience. First, let me state that falling in love with a married man was the dumbest, most selfish decision I did, most unloving path I chose, most painful event that ever happened in my life. This proved how filthy and sinful I was, and how much I needed Christ to take over every part of my being. I was so lost, so insecure, so stupid. 

I thought I already knew Christ when it happened. I thought I was already leading people to Him. I was so defensive thinking I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But it unfolded right before my eyes, seeing people in pain and confused because of my hardheadedness,  and deep in my core I did not have joy & peace. It took me months not being able to sleep well, I’d wake up in the middle of the night being hunted by the thought, the TRUTH rather. “Adultery is a sin, it’s a trap, it’s a curse, get out of it.” But I was stubborn, wrestling with God and defending my situation to Him over and over again, and I’d call myself a “mature” Christian then, what a shame! I’d ask for signs. I’d always land on Bible verses telling me to let go, but I wouldn’t. It was so tough. I felt like I was being the ultimate hypocrite for proclaiming the Gospel and not living out His’ 7th commandment: THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY. I battled hard with the Truth, fought so hard, it left me tired & empty. 

Until God’s GRACE came to pull me out of  my sin. He sent people who courageously rebuked and reminded me of my worth in the Him. There were literally a lot of them who prayed and petitioned to Him for me. He’d talk to me through my Bible reading, church services, even podcasts and worship songs. He persistently tells me to surrender, that He has greater and way better plans for me than I had for myself. Again, my plans were very selfish. This blog is an understatement of how Christ, my Lord and Savior miraculously worked in my life on this matter. He pulled me out of sin, pulled me out of adultery. And I couldn’t thank Him enough for the genuine freedom and love that I experience now through Him and the right people He brought to my life to appreciate the unceasing love He has for me through them. 

This goes to you who finds so hard to let go, you may be in a situation similar with my past sin, or you have something/anything else that you believe in your heart God’s telling you to let go of but you couldn’t. I will not lie to you, the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and I know how hard it is. But I beg you, your future is at stake here, just let go. It may not make sense at first, but just let go. It hurts so badly, but let go. God didn’t die for you only to live in a distorted and deceptive love promoted by the world. Surrendering is hard but it will be worth it. Hold on to your faith, to the Gospel, and the only absolute truth. What God has put together, let no man separate. Leave before it’s too late, or even if you feel like it’s too late already, leave anyway. Because God will never bless a relationship He didn’t orchestrate. All His’ plans are GOOD, PLEASING and PERFECT. Choose to obey, choose His’ Master Plan. The hurt, you will be able to endure it because He will be with you, you’re not in that alone, He will be your comfort and strength as you go through the process of letting go, asking for forgiveness, healing, and forgiving yourself. He will never leave nor forsake you. Like He did to me, like He always do.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans6:23