What I’ve learned from losing Ate Tas

It’s all brand new to me. I’ve experienced losing my grand parents, a cousin, some friends, they were painful, but not as painful as this one. Ate Tas was the best nanny/yaya/2nd mother to me and my 6 siblings. She served my family for 36 years, that’s the age of my eldest sister is. She already is family to us. She was my guardian for the past 15years I wasn’t with my parents. Among all the Rabajante’s, Kuya JP & I were the ones who spent the most years with her.

Ate Tas was present at the peak of my sinfulness, she witnessed most of it, & yet still loved and took care of me despite all the bad things I would do. Before I came to know Christ, I would disrespect her, shout at her, be very impatient with her, I’d take her for granted. When I knew the love of Jesus, I’d tell my discipleship group how I’d still struggle in loving her though I already know what to do. When I learned from my brother, a year ago, that she was diagnosed with depression and she was beginning to be forgetful (she had dementia), that became my turning point. I remember I was at a training when I found out about it, I couldn’t concentrate in class, went to the bathroom, and begged God to give me a chance to show her how much I love her. He answered my prayers. I began to develop deeper love and care for her, which I thank God for so much. I am only truly able to love Ate Tas because of the love of Christ Jesus.

I like how we spent the last 2 quarters of 2018 together. We’d go to different malls, I’d take her to most of my meetings, go to church, eat & eat & eat everywhere. I am also grateful that I would sleep next to her when I visit home. But my favourite moment with her were our one on one conversations about Jesus. I remember telling her that I love her and I told her too that I’m sorry for all the bad things I did to her in the past. I asked her if she’s afraid of death and told her not to be afraid because if she belongs to Jesus, she will spend eternity in Heaven, where there will no longer be pains and sufferings. I asked if she’s sorry for all her sins, she said yes. I asked if she believes in Christ as her Lord and Savior, she said yes. I asked who is her God, she uttered, Jesus. She prayed a short yet very heartfelt prayer. We cried, we hugged. And to me, that was the most important moment I had with her.

I thank Jesus for allowing it to happen. Truly, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Ate Tas may not have read the Bible as much as other Christians would, but her life exemplified Christlikeness in so many ways. Many people could attest to that. I still find it unbelievably amazing that while I have so many desires and dreams in life, there’s this one person who has no other desire but to serve my family, take care of us & be such a joyful helper to everyone around her. God wrote her such a wonderful story & left such beautiful lessons to me, our family & hers.

Losing her inspires me to value my family even more. To make time & truly spend time with them. Losing her inspires me to give generously, Ate Tas is one of the most generous people I know. Losing her makes me want to draw even more closer to Jesus, the only One who can help me through the process of grieving and healing. I haven’t had a broken heart in a while now, and I am sure that this is a beautiful brokenness that I am going through. Losing her taught me empathy, for people who lose their loved ones. Ang sakit pala talaga. Most importantly, it is making me understand that I didn’t really lose her. It would be very selfish of me if I’d still want her to stay, my God is sovereign, He gives and takes away, and His timing is always perfect, I trust God that even the very moment of Ate Tas’ death was meant to be the way it happened. Losing her makes me pray more, trust and glorify Him more. I trust in Jesus, one day, I’ll come see Ate Tas face to face again and thank her for everything she’s done for me. One day, our whole family will be giving Jesus glory and worship Him together. That’s my faith, and it’s not a dead faith, for it is anchored to the King of kings and the Lord of lords.

Ate Tas, mahal na mahal na mahal kita, but nothing compares to Christ’s love for you. Rest in Jesus Christ’s everlasting love now! See you one day, Tazic!

Father Almighty, pilot me.

Guide me.

Help me.

I trust in You.