Where Are You Now?

Discipleship requires discipline, and that is one thing I desperately need. I can get consistently inconsistent with my walk. For a season, you’d find me so excited learning about Theology & sharing the Gospel, a few months later, I’d be so drawn at Netflix or some drama-series that distracts me from studying the Word & loving people, and then here comes social media luring me to jump into things that would make me want Christ less; stuff that lead me to “self” instead of being drawn to Him. I’m like an infant at times, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching. My attention span on my interests won’t grow, because the foundation of why I want to do or pursue something, may also be shallow, may not be rooted in Christ, may only have birthed from selfish desires.

I told my mentor-discipler-sister-friend the other week that I do struggle at the same embarrassing things lately. I can’t seem to balance life well. I’d feel lonely and sad. I feel like I’m dragging myself to do what I ought to do for God, connecting with people, but what I truly (desperately) need is a strong connection with Him. I seriously just need Jesus. I must remain in Him, cause I obviously cannot live this life apart from His guidance. I need His Word to teach me, encourage and rebuke me. The Bible has been guiding me for almost 8 years now, and there’s no other way my life would go on a fruitful path if it weren’t for His wisdom and grace. Jesus said “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.” (John 15:10-11) The consistency of my progress depends on my gracious dependency in Christ. I’d feel sad and lonely when I don’t anchor my joy in Jesus, and my joy may only be satisfied and completed in Him. He’s just always the answer to my dilemmas. Oh how consistent my God is! It’s hard, but I want to consciously not conform to the patterns of the world, to consciously be transformed by the renewing of my mind, to be able always see that His plans are all good, all pleasing, all perfect.

Resurrection Sunday went by, and it is always a beautiful reminder to me of Christ’s glory & my existence. I’m not talking about my purpose, the books/blogs I’ve read, nor the people I shared Christ to. Those are actually filthy rags in His eyes. I’m talking solely about why I’m a Christian, that’s because Jesus came to die for my sins, and since the day I learned about it and embraced Him not only as my Saviour but also my Lord, I also learned that I will only grow deeper in my love and adoration for Him, by grace, through faith. I learned and believed that He resurrected & He’s coming back, that cannot be thwarted, that’s consistent.

A good friend just shared this quote from Steve Lawson to our group: “A life of resolve comes with a price tag. You will be tested by the lure of the world. But you must turn a deaf ear to the crowd and live instead for the approbation of Christ. There will always be a cross before a crown, sacrifice before success, and reproach before a reward. The call of discipleship will cost you popularity, possessions, and position. But God will use your commitment. The grace of God will be multiplied in you if you cultivate a fixed resolution to live for the glory of God.” -Steven Lawson

I feel blessed that God still constantly pulls me out from my stubbornness each time I’m about to deliberately rebel as if I can hide my thoughts and intentions from Him. He consistently works in me despite my inconsistency in following Him. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans’ 5:8

I’ve wasted so much seasons in my life, especially back in my high school and college years, when I didn’t know Jesus yet. But actually, in Christ, there isn’t a wasted season. He can turn bad, displeasing and ugly things into something beautiful. Though I’ve felt deep regret for the wrong decisions I’ve made, it doesn’t get to a point where I’d be condemned about it, but doesn’t meant too that I can take my salvation for granted. Bible says work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I know life on Earth is never meant to be perfect, but in Christ, I believe it is possible to live in joy, peace and freedom from sin’s slavery. I want that. And I want to continue to pass that on and share with my family & whoever I encounter along the way, perhaps to my own family in the future too. At this point in time, I pray that I won’t have any regrets as I look back to where I am now. I sincerely pray to live out this life for Christ’s glory. If not, my gosh, I’d be fooling no one but myself.

I love Jesus, I’m very public about this. My identity is solely tied on this reality, cause I know deep down that I truly am nothing apart from Him. But I want this to be evident not for people to see, but for me to sincerely know it in my heart. That even if I don’t say a word, that even without the world noticing it, I’d be so confident with my love for Him. I just want to love Him right. I want to grow in this faith. I want to find delight & satisfaction in Him everyday. I pray I’d constantly be disgusted at sin that it would always lead to true repentance. I want to continue to serve Him until I grow old, and still find joy in it. I want to be used only for His glory. I don’t want to take my salvation for granted. I pray for all these in Jesus’ most powerful, merciful, gracious and loving Name.

“Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We have also obtained access through Him by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:1-5

Here you go, this has been my walk lately. May the Lord have mercy on me and refresh me. May I find joy and satisfaction in Him.

“He must increase, I must decrease.” John 3:30

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23 Notes To Ponder On

In random order.

1. May we not be narcissistic in reading the Bible. May we have Christ centred hermeneutics. – The American Gospel (https://youtu.be/ocHm18wUAGU)

2. Catechism is something I want to teach my nieces and nephews and my future children. https://reformed.org/documents/index.html?mainframe=https://reformed.org/documents/cat_for_young_children.html

3. No matter how strong or clever you are, you are not your own saviour. You are not your own redeemer. That’s a dead end if you’re going to depend on your own strength and your own wisdom. -Dr. Bryan Chapell

4. What is the only reason that sin has any power in your life? The answer is… because you love it. – The American Gospel

5. The goal of a lecture is that you leave with information. The goal of a motivational speech is that you leave with action steps. The goal of a GOSPEL SERMON, teaching the Bible is that you leave worshipping. – J.D. GREEAR

6. The feeling of pleasure that comes after retail therapy is always short-lived. Ego always looks for something else and wants something more. -Pick Up Limes (YouTube)

7. To everyone who wants a safe, carefree life, away from danger, stay away from Jesus and His great commission. – G3 Conference 2019

8. Right where you are could be your possible mission field atm. Some, are called to go, others would have to stay, and go where they stay. Bible says go to the unreached, how sure are you that your colleague, your neighbour, you brother already heard the Gospel? – Just me.

9. “Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes.” “Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes.” 1Peter 3:3-4 — GRACE, PLEASE.

10. Better to be single for the rest of your life & obeying God in the gleaning of the fields than disobey God and have what has been forbidden to you. – probably heard this from Voddie Baucham

11. This is so beautiful but I forgot where I read it from. So sorry. But here it goes: It’s through the deepest suffering that God has taught me the deepest lessons. If we trust Him for it, we can come into an unshakable assurance that He’s in charge, He has a loving purpose, and He can transform something terrible into something wonderful.

“Father,

I love You. I lay down all that I am before you, my Lord. Every regret, pain, joy, I lift them all to you. Enable me through Your Holy Spirit to offer all of me to You. I want to be living my life for Your glory. I want to love selflessly and find delight in doing so. I pray to not lose track of Your Grace. You have brought me this far, and You will take me further and deeper in this Christian faith. I am rededicating myself to You. Help me, Almighty Father. Comfort me, sustain me, strengthen me, heal me. Enable me to move forward with joy and gladness. Enable me to act upon every lesson you have taught and are yet to teach me. Keep my eyes on You, the author and perfecter of my faith. Protect and guide and save all my loved ones. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.”

12. You are not a piece of meat to satisfy the sinful, fleshly desires of a man. -Voddie Baucham

13. If you are so committed to feeling safe, how will you ever risk your life for Jesus? If you are so fragile and cowardly, that you will shut down those who love you by speaking hard truth to you, how will you speak love to those who hate you? – John Piper

14. The consumption of social media, movies, entertainment, demands of career, the quest to consume more and more entertainment, toys, money, travel — DO NOT SATISFY. A life devoted to consumption consumes life. – J. Piper

15. With boldness therefore at the throne, Let us make all our sorrows known, And ask the aid of heavenly power, To help us in the evil hour. – Hymn from Hebrews

16. “The mercy of God is an ocean divine, a boundless and fathomless flood.” Let us plunge out into the mercy of God and come to know it. I hope you believe this, because you’re going to need this mercy desperately if you don’t already have it. The mercy of God in Christ Jesus — amen and amen! -A.W. Tozer

17. “Self-chosen silence is the new expression of social empowerment in the digital age. Silence is freedom.” https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-we-should-escape-social-media

18. Question: What’s your fear? Me, to live in a place where my sins aren’t confronted and my false decisions are tolerated. I think one of the reasons why I evidently see why my faith is ALL GRACE is because God surrounded me with people who truly cared to tell me what was wrong & told me that I was sinning.

19. For the greatest way to achieve social and cultural transformation is not by focusing on social and cultural transformation, but by giving our lives to gospel proclamation — to telling others the good news of all God has done in Christ and calling them to follow Him. The fruit of such salvation will be inevitable transformation — of lives, families, communities and even of nations. -Marshall Segal

20. If Christian dating—the intentional, selfless, and prayerful process of pursuing marriage—sounds like slavery, we don’t get it. If low-commitment sexual promiscuity sounds like freedom, we don’t get it. Jesus may ask more of us, but he does so to secure something far better for us. -Marshall Segal “I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him” (Phil. 3:8–9)

21. This was from NextGen KIDS CHURCH! : Truth that hurts is always better than lie that conceals, that will stress you out, won’t put you to sleep & destroy your relationships. To live in a lie is to lead one to eternal destruction.

22. Our total depravity means we are in need of a perfect Savior who is able to do what we cannot do for ourselves – and the good news of the Gospel is that such salvation is available to us in the Son, Jesus Christ, who is the holy God incarnate. We may be wretched, but we can still rejoice and be sanctified. Paul affirms this in the latter part of Romans 7: “Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!” I couldn’t put it any better myself. Total depravity is a doctrine of grace because the abounding grace of God Himself is the only hope that we have. -Whole Magazine Devotion

23. AKALA KO

Napakarami, napakaraming bagay na aking inangkin na inakala ko’y nakalaan para sa akin. Napakalawak ng kasakiman at kasamaang nananalaytay sa aking pagkatao. Napakalalim ng sugat na pilit na pinapagaling sa oras na hindi pa nararapat ang paghilom. Napakadaming pagkakataon na aking pinalagpas sa bawat segundong ako’y Kanyang hinahabol, habang ako ay patuloy na nagpupumiglas sa Kanyang gracia’t kabutihan.

Rebelde lamang noong umpisa, hanggang sa nalulon na sa sistema ng mundo, nagpakaputa, nagpakawala, nagpa-alipin sa dimonyo. Napakamakasalanan ko, tanging alikabok at lugmok ang nararapat sa aking marupok na pagkatao.

Wala na akong pag-asa, wala ng magandang kinabukasan ang nag-aabang. Wala ng mukhang maihaharap sa Kanya, wala ng hininga, tanging maiaalay ay ang pagod na katawan, matang namumugto sa bigat ng luha na humagod sa mukhang hindi na maipinta. Wala na akong pag-asa. Wala ng saysay ang aking buhay. Yan, yan ang akala ko.

Akala ko’y walang kapatawaran ang aking mga kasalanan. Ako’y nagkamali. Sa gitna ng aking pagkakadapa, sa lalim ng pighati, sa bigat ng pagsisisi sa aking puso, Siya’y nagpakilala. Ako’y ibinangon sa pagkakadapa, sinagip, iniligtas. Ang kabayaran ng kasalanan ay kamayayan, ngunit ang biyaya ng Panginpon ay walang hanggang buhay sa pamamagitan ni Hesu Kristo, aking Diyos at Tagapagligtas.

•••

Mapagpala at Maaawaing Ama, maraming salamat sa kapatawaran ng aking mga kasalanan. Maraming salamat sa bagong buhay na akin ng tinatamasan simula ng ako’y nagsisi sa aking mga kasalanan at inihandog sa Iyo ang aking buhay. Lahat yan ay dahil sa Iyong Garcia. Hindi ko kailanman matutumbasan ang Kabutihan mo, at mababayaran ang lahat ng pagkukulang ko. Ngunit sadyang napakabuti Mo, sapagkat Ikaw mismo ang gumawa ng paraan upang ako’y hindi manatili sa imprerno.

Espiritu Santo, ako’y Iyong patuloy na tulungan at gabayan, palalimin ang kaalaman sa Iyong salita at piliin lagi ang Iyong gawa. Sa pamamagitan mo lamang aking magagampanan ang tungkulin na bigyang pugay ang Iyong pangalan, palaganapin ang mabuting balita, mahalin ang mga taong kagaya ko. Makasalanan, na nailigtas dalawang libong taon ang nakakalipas ni Hesu Kristo, na inialay ang Kanyang dugo’t katawan, ipinako sa Krus upang pagbayaran ang kasalanan ng sanlibutan, nabuhay muli pagkalaan ng tatlong araw, bumalik sa Ama, at muling bababa sa lupa balang araw, para husgahan ang mundo.

Ako’y umaasa, wala ng pagaakala, tanging kasiguraduhan at pananampalaya ang kinakapitan ng aking buong diwa. Ang bawat luha ay mawawala, ang bawat sakit ay mapapawi, balang araw ay habang buhay kong makakasama ang aking Diyos.

May pag-asa. Sa ngalan ng Ama, ni Hesu Kristo, at ng Espiritu Santo. Amen.

Pre Flight (Heart) Check

Mga dalawang buwan din akong hindi nagsulat, ngayon ay paalis ako sa desiyerto, para magbakasyon ng isang linggo kasama ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Tapos sa January, one month din with my loved ones in the USA.

Lately, I’d always ask God to give me wisdom on what to write, pero pakiramdam ko parang nasabi ko na lahat, parang wala ng bago. Yung mga bagay that I stand for in life, parang sobrang wala na akong mapigang wisdom, feeling ko stagnant water ako, yung knowledge ko parang walang nangyayari. Feelingera nanaman ako. Buti nalang hindi emotion ang basis ng salvation, mabuti nalang hindi nirerequire ni Lord ang eloquence at mataas na IQ & knowledge sa theology sa pagbigay Nya ng opportunity to know Him more. Kasi nga lahat naman Grace lang Nya. Daming insecurities, mabuti hindi din minus points yun sa realidad na one day, pupunta ako sa langit, doon, wala ng hassle, hindi na ako iiyak, hindi na ako mapapagod kakafigure out ng buhay.

Philippines won the Miss Universe crown a few days back, galing ni Catriona Grey, I’m a fan. Ang saya ko cause marunong na ako mag rejoice for others’ success. Pero I’m irritated at the selfish feeling in my chest, na flashback: dream ko dati yan e. Tatlong taon I pursued it, and hindi yun para sakin. Minsan nakakapikon yung entitlement sa puso ko, when I dream of achieving other’s destiny. I have to remind myself na hindi na ako yun, and it was never meant for me. My profession is totally different now. I pray na maalagaan ko kung ano ang meron ako and kung sino ako ngayon. I pray that I don’t let the opportunities of today pass me by, dahil lang sa nagmumukmok or na-sasad ako na hindi ako nagka-korona. Ungrateful ba? Oh well, may God work in my heart.

I want to be grateful, hindi yung showbiz gratefulness, yung legit!!! Yung nararamdaman ko talaga hindi based on the physical or material, but on the things unseen yung gratefulness ko. I want to be spiritually satisfied about this life I have now. Ang dami dami-daming oras at pagkakataon para mas makilala pa ang Panginoon. I don’t want to procrastinate anymore. Salamat talaga sa constant assurance of His Word, na steadfast ang love Nya, na hindi nauubos ang biyaya Niya, na faithful Siya. Kung hindi ako nareremind ng Word Nya, wala na, kawawa na ako, for sure wala ng direction ang mga plano ko sa buhay.

Isa sa pinaka malaking panalangin ko ay nasagot na, nakapunta na ako ng America after not seeing my parents for 15years and some of my siblings for more than 8years. This coming 2019, I want to pray new prayers and dream new dreams. Gusto ko maging productive and full of achievements, gusto ko mamultiply and mamaximize ang lahat ng bagay that He entrusted to me. Pagdadasal ko pa ‘tong mga ‘to. Many are the plans in my heart, pero purpose pa din ni Lord ang magpe-prevail.

Siguro bottom line is miss ko lang talaga makapag spend ng quality time with God. I want His wisdom. I want His peace. Ang dami-daming nangyayari, kung hindi ako lumilipad for work, I’ll be on a vacation, or busy with my online business, or socializing, or kung saan-saan nakakarating. Honestly, nakakapagod din minsan ang leisure, si Jesus lang kasi talaga nakakapag-satisfy ng heart ko. Haiiii.

Haiii Lord, GRACE PLEASE! Paramdam ka ng bongga. Miss You, I pray na nagglorify kita sa lahat ng ginagawa ko. Thank You for never leaving nor forsaking me. Thank You for the gift of rest. Thank You for always being at work sa heart and mind ko. Please give me a safe flight to Singapore in a few hours, and a favoured & smooth flight to Manila. Allow every moment of my days off to be filled with YOU, cantered in YOU, dedicated to YOU. I need You. I need Your GRACE! ❤️

Xxx

15 years later: See you soon, family! ❤️

(These were captured a few minutes after I found out that my visas were approved. Emote!😝) Fifteen years of not being with my family and how I’ve struggled in attempting to get to the United States of America, tapos two weeks ago, finally, binigay na ni Lord yung prayer ko. He gave me both my Crew and Tourist visas. Hallelujah.😌

Fifteen years, & I wouldn’t have it any other way. If it wasn’t fifteen, I would’ve missed the lessons I needed to learn through the years. If it wasn’t fifteen, I’d probably not meet the people I needed to encounter to grow in Spirit and Truth. 2Peter 3:9 says: The Lord does not delay His promise, as some understand delay, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance. I now believe that His’ timing is always perfect, this is a freeing reality and reminder to me each time I’d feel hopeless and impatient with all my prayers. I needed that fifteen years to grow in maturity and in love with Christ. Sabi nga ni Charles Studd, “only one life, ‘twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.” Malaking part ng years na naghihintay ako, hindi naman para sa Diyos, but for myself yung prayers ko. Latter part nalang ng fifteen years yung sincerely natutunan kong gawin para sa Diyos ang mga bagay-bagay. Kaya yun, God needed to discipline me, cause the Lord disciplines those He loves diba? He fixed my broken heart first before He granted me His promise. Don’t worry guys, I’m not being hard on myself, sinasabi ko lang yung totoo, ang dami kong selfish passions before, and grateful ako now cause God changed those desires. Dati hindi ko naman love family ko, but by Grace, God enabled me to develop love, care and affection for them. Ang galing. Ang galing ni Lord.

I also wanted to confess this. One of God’s characteristics I find very hard to believe and embrace is Him being my Promise Keeping God, my Provider. I feel like I have a heart similar with Peter at times. Yung I’d be so passionate in doing things for Christ, yung over confident that I will never deny Him, pero feeling ko lang yun, in reality, there’d be so many times na weak yung faith ko. Remember Peter and Christ’s encounter in the book of Matthew 14? Peter asked Christ to come to him on the water right after Christ told Him to take courage, that it is Him, and so Peter shouldn’t be afraid. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I have faith in Christ, but just like Peter, it could be very tiny too. Madalas kasi I would rely on my own effort, I’d look at the things I can do to serve Him, which will never be enough naman, cause Christianity doesn’t work that way nga. Feeling ko kasi my efforts can sustain, I always have the tendency to get intimidated at the situation instead of looking at God. I had a very small view and understanding of who my God is. It takes a whole lot of grace and a whole lot of faith for my relationship with my Father God to work. I think one of the reasons why I had a lot of failed plans in life is because my faith was very very little. I was more delusional, irrational and emotional at what I wanted for my life then than faithful. My desires then weren’t aligned with God’s will, because they weren’t good desires, because I didn’t know God’s will, I think it’s a huge factor that we know the will of the Lord through the Bible for us to find confidence in our prayers. Pero dati I’d treat Bible only as a self help book, so how would I know the will of God if one sided lang ako? If I’d only pick my favourite verses, kahit out of context, ipagpipilitan ko yung will ko. So I was the god of myself before, consultant ko lang si God dati, ang sad diba? I didn’t revere and honour Him then. I was always entitled and after self glorification. My desires then were meant to drown me, to kill and destroy me. Well, it almost did. Pero wala e, Grace happened. God saved & pulled me out from all my selfish plans.

In a worldly perspective, parang sobrang hassle and sobrang hirap malayo sa pamilya, most especially sa mga magulang. Pero looking at those fifteen years of being away from my family, I kind of see it now as God’s protection. Imagine if natuloy ako sa States fifteen years ago, feeling ko walwal ako ngayon, miserable, and malayo kay Christ yung heart ko. Napaka arte and napaka selfish ko kasing anak dati. Parang, hello? Only child ka? Seven kaming magkakapatid, by the way. Plus I have a half eldest sister pa.

You’re probably wondering why I had to post my visa on social media. To me kasi, it’s more than just a visa, more than just a ticket to the reunion I’ll have with Papa, Mama, my siblings, in laws and my huge family everywhere in the USA. It’s a promise of the Lord for me, a dream I was so sure of and certain with though I do not see it yet. By grace, wag na sana ako ever mag doubt on what He’s capable of doing. By grace, I pray I’d stop putting God in a box as if I got it all figured out, ayoko na maging atribida hehe. By grace, may I rely and trust Him with all my heart, that He won’t leave nor forsake me & my family. By grace, sobrang gusto ko pa ma-inlove kay Jesus, I pray He protects my heart and mind from the distractions of the world that may cause delay to His tasks for me. By grace, may my life glorify Jesus & Him alone.

I’m excited to see my family, to sleep like sardines with all my siblings, to play dress up with Ela & Elo, sing worship songs while Papa plays the guitar, go shopping & learn how to cook with Mama (nux!), workout with Paul, watch NBA with all of them, climb mountains in Hawaii with the Bowman family, attend the G3 conference in Georgia with Ela and so much more!!! I’m excited to love them more and more, by grace, through faith, in Christ!

Praise God for prayers He answered through closed doors. Praise God for developing my patience and perseverance. Praise God for rejections and failed plans. Praise God for answered prayers, for new prayers to pray & for new dreams He will bring to life. Praise God in any and every season. Ultimately, praise God for forgiving all my sins by sending Jesus to die for me.😭 Love You, Father, Son & Spirit!!!

PS We shall update these photos below!!!

When Your Past Sins Hunt You

I’ve been consistently dreaming of my past sins for more than a week. I tried to ignore it but it bothered me until I finally saw myself again leading to a situation/scenario very close to it.

Lust, what goes with this sin? Adultery, immorality, fornication, maliciousness. These are sins that I find very hard to admit, especially because I think it’s very embarrassing, you sin against your own body when you commit it, but these were my sins and I cannot and shall not conceal them.

I’ve learned, through the help of my sisters in Christ, to get to the root of why these sins would mentally affect me again. If I’m truly a new creation in Christ, why would I still be bothered by it? They’re just dreams, but just like what my mentor told me, dreams are things I cannot control; most of the time it reveals things I may be longing for. I was able to point out that those lustful dreams would resurface because of my desire for affection, to be with someone, to be married, to have a “God’s Best” as we call it in church. I recently watched a love story movie, and that triggered emotions in me too. Now, I’m more aware of the things I shall be careful of watching for I tend to over romanticise fictitious matters. I realised that purity isn’t merely keeping yourself sexually inactive, purity is a pursuit of the mind & the heart too. Purity in protecting my emotions from wandering at ideas and thoughts that may ruin my sanity. I also had to admit (to my long distance accountability partners, Carla/Cherish and Dia/Divine) that I’d long to be affirmed, to be loved, to be wanted. Sin begets sin. My lustful dreams caused by my dissatisfaction in Christ led me to days of rambled thoughts and anxiety. I felt as if there were so many issues in my life that I have yet to deal with, that I have to fix, & I felt paralysed at solving them all at the same time, that it eventually frustrated & confused me even more.

On the week of my struggle, a verse from Psalm 51 kept iterating in my head: “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation & grant me a willing spirit to sustain me”. I believe God would also speak to me through James 4:7 “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” What could be more direct than that?

After I read it, someone from the past all of a sudden sent me an invite to have coffee with him. I met that man at the peak of my lostness & I’d sin with him. I’m glad that the Holy Spirit in me is just too wise to recognize baits. I replied with: “sure ☺️” it was then that I also realised that I’m always just a tiny tilt closer to going back to my old self. But God won’t let that happen. I immediately became accountable to my friends in the faith, I told them to stop me from doing things I’m sure I would regret. I asked for prayers.

Before my flight to Paris, I was alone in my room, crying, confessing my sins to God, being sorry for all I’ve done in the past and during that week. I’d listen to sermons that gave me a fresh understanding of my identity in Jesus: that I am His coheir, that I am His bride, that I am His bondservant. I think part of my joy’s restoration is to get to this part all over again, Psalm 51 also says it is not in sacrifices that the Lord is delighted, but His sacrifices are a broken spirit, He will not despise a broken and contrite heart. Oh yes, I will never outgrow my need for the Gospel. I had nothing to offer, only my tears, my brokenness, my fear of losing my salvation (which by grace, will never happen), and my knees bent down and my hands up high, telling Him: “I’m sorry, forgive me, I’m tired, I surrender.”

My prayer before my flight to Paris was to spend time with Jesus as I get there. My initial plan after my afternoon tour was to go to a wine place at night and drink after a quick rest in the hotel. You see how contradicting my plans are with my prayer? But He cleverly didn’t wake me up, I set my alarm at 9pm and I didn’t hear it at all, I woke up at 12 midnight instead, where everything was closed, it was already dangerous to go out, my flying partner was asleep, I couldn’t even order for food — because what I needed that very moment was spiritual food. God has irresistible ways of getting my attention. He wins, always. I had a three hour quiet time with Him. He spoke to me through Exodus, which talks about the Israelites complaining to Moses and wanting to go back to Egypt. “Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness,” (Exodus 14:12 ESV). Many times in my life I’d be like that, unconsciously desiring to return to my Egypt out of impatience, because of the inconsistency of my trust and reverence to the Lord, & ultimately because of my lack of understanding on who He is that pollutes my confidence on His plans for my life. I wouldn’t look to Jesus, I was so focused at my sins that I’d forget the vastness of my God’s love for me.

You know what brought me to total peace after it all? Moses’ response to the Israelites: “And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”” Exodus 14:13-14

I will never ever forget that morning in Paris, God confirmed to me that it is finished. The sin of lust is done in my life, for Christ has delivered me from it. My longing for a husband, well, Christ is my future husband as I marry Him in heaven one day. My anxiety in serving people out of pride and insecurity, wiped away, for I am His bondservant. “For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ.” 1Corinthians 7:22 It can’t get any clearer than this. I am free in Jesus Christ. I am not going back to my Egypt.

I think, just like the Apostle Paul, I will always have my thorn in the flesh, sin/s that may hunt me, that may attempt to resurface. Thank God my salvation isn’t based on my emotions, neither the things I do for Him (cause I fail Him most of the time), nor any knowledge I’ve acquired, (for I am foolish & forgetful). I thank Him because even if I’m faithless, He remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. That’s what makes my God supreme, that while I am still a sinner, while I need to face the consequences because of what I did in the past, He died for me. While I’m still struggling, He already worked things out for me. He won’t ever give me any challenge I cannot carry, and even if there seems to be no way out, He will provide a way out.

Please continue to pray for me. I want to know & love Him more. I want to revere and worship Him better. May Jesus be glorified in my life. May I finish the race strong.

•••

Romans 5

Peace with God Through Faith

1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. 11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Brokenness

Never in my entire life have I embraced brokenness until I sincerely understood that it is necessary for my growth as a Christian. I was one of the people deceived by the illusion that Christianity is all about favor and blessings.2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. Many times in in my earlier years of getting to know Jesus, I’d treat Him like a genie, I’d require Him to grant me all my dreams and earthly ambitions for me to believe in Him. “Lord, give me a crown, make me famous, give me modeling gigs, make me marry at this age. Lord, I really want this, I want him, etc. etc.” This is how I’d pray back then. Full of pride and selfishness. I never wanted His presence, I never asked for more of Him. In most cases, I would end up broken, because He wouldn’t give me what I though I wanted, He always surprises me with what I truly needed. He blesses me with what is unseen, with what the world doesn’t understand, with matters that are beneficial for eternity, for the pruning and moulding of my character.

I’ve learned to love and embrace brokenness because it is necessary for my Christian walk. I am a sinner saved by Grace, if I understand this fully, I must humbly embrace brokenness. I forgot where I heard it exactly but I highly agree that Christians are constant & consistent repenters. Others find it so odd, but it’s exactly what we should be. Not conforming to the world, cause the world says it’s okay, a little sin won’t hurt, a little rebellion is cute. But if we truly are Christians, when we realize the gravity of those ‘tiny sins’, we would be disgusted, they aren’t cute at all. Tiny sins birth death, they are the passageway to our eternal separation from God. 2 Timothy 4:1-3 “Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing.” Repentance is a privilege that can never be taken away from us Christians, because there isn’t salvation without repentance; and repentance goes hand and hand with brokenness. I’ve never heard of anyone who repented and believed in Christ without being truly broken.

This month has been packed with sanctification and opening of my blind eyes to what I’d label and tolerate as my “tiny sins”. Every time I realize things like these, I’m always reminded of how holy and pure my God is, that He doesn’t allow even a tiny bit of sin to linger. 1 Peter 1:15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” It’s such a shame, but sadly, I’ve been insecure and malicious, I’ve cheated, I’ve lied, I’ve manipulated and used His name in vain, I’ve done things out of conceitedness, I’ve coveted many times in my head, I’d struggle at the same things I never thought I’d still struggle with, & the scars I’d scratch would still give a heavy impact. It breaks my heart & I have to admit to myself all over again that I do not know how to love my God, that my love for Him is conditional, that Grace is the only thing that keeps me alive in the faith, that enables me to desire righteousness. I owe it all to GRACE. Actually, I do not owe it to GRACE, because I can never repay what GRACE has done. I can only give Him praise & thanks, I can only worship Him, Christ, my one and only Grace.

Wanna know what breaks me more? I commit mistakes, I sin again and again, and every-single-time, He’s the One who still and always provides the way out. 2Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. It hurts to hurt the Man I’d always shamelessly declare to the world that I do love the most when I couldn’t even love Him right — because I am a sinner.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said this before, but I am tired. I’m tired of hurting Him. I’m tired of sin. I’m sick of my sins that’s why I embrace brokenness. For I know, in time, He’ll take all brokenness aside and make it beautiful. But for now, I gotta go through it. I have to feel it. Remorse cannot be skipped, shame must be felt, sorrow is necessary for it makes us better grasp, how deep, how wide, how great His love is for His people, for those called according to His purpose.

I truly have no participation to my salvation other than my sin and wretchedness. We can never understand the Lord’s love in pride and arrogance, by thinking that we deserve so much more, when we deserve nothing good, and yet His grace came in. Ephesians 2:8-9 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”

There’s no such thing as an innately good human being, in my lifetime, I’m the biggest proof of a wretched person I know with innately evil thoughts and deeds. Should that bother me? It is written in Romans 3:10-12 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Christians, our story doesn’t have to end there. We remain grateful in the midst of troubles, trials and tests. We are still in the midst of brokenness, constantly being sanctified, we aren’t promised that it won’t hurt, but we are promised by our Lord that the narrow path is worth it, that He who endures till the end will be rewarded. God has given us the reason to always hold on to our faith, that He himself provided. It is finished. Your past, present and future sins… forgiven. Paid in full by Christ at the cross in Calvary. It is irrevocable for God doesn’t change His mind, He is a Promise Keeping God. He’ll soon come back for us, His people, His sheeps, His servants, His daughters and sons, His bride. We shall live with Him in righteousness forever.

4 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

BROKENNESS IS NOT A PLACE THAT HE TAKES US SO HE CAN LEAVE US, BUT HE BREAKS US SO HE CAN REMAKE US. CONFORM US TO THE VERY IMAGE OF CHRIST… -Voddie Baucham

***

♥️ My prayer:

Psalm 51: 1-4

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.

♥️ My worship:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love; Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning, I shall see Thy lovely face; Clothed then in blood washed linen, How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace; Come, my Lord, no longer tarry, Take my ransomed soul away; Send thine angels now to carry, Me to realms of endless day.

(Come Thou Fount by Robert Robinson)

♥️ My declaration:

His love for me shall enable me to love Him genuinely. His love isn’t weak for He isn’t a weak God. His love is more powerful than my sin and shame. My eyes are kept on Christ for nothing can separate me from Him, not even my sin. I am His’, I belong to Christ now until eternity. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

When Enemies Become Roomies

At the beginning of our Training, Frey and I didn’t have a good first impression of each other. I tried assessing the situation, getting my heart checked and asking God why, we’re both Christians and yet we don’t seem to get along well. I immediately judged her and thought that her level of belief in Christ was shallow. How dare I assume that, kapal ko diba? Our first month gave me such a hard time, seeing her in class everyday felt heavy. Sobrang awkward kami sa isa’t isa. Our conversations were empty, and filled with insecurities and pride. Our faces both look unapproachable to some, “mataray-looking” as they say, and maybe that was the reason why we didn’t click right away; we saw a bit of ourselves in each other. I actually felt with Frey what many people would usually tell me on their first encounter with me— ang taray ng aura, hindi ko keri. So there, nag backfire sakin yung feeling na yun.

I’d always believe that first impressions do not last, because I grew up always being mistaken as a bad girl for how I look. But you know what I realized lately? They’re actually right, I am bad, and even worse than what they thought of. I really am bad apart from Christ. I wouldn’t have the effort to smile at people, to remember names & to intentionally build friendship. I’d be picky with my friends, build walls & limitations within my own circle. I would be prideful, though deep down inside I wanted to get to know people, I wouldn’t talk to them because I wanted them to be the first to approach me. Ang OA diba?Sobrang prideful. Ang dami kong possible friendship in the past na pinalagpas dahil sa pride ko. So again, I am absolutely bad when Christ doesn’t rule & reign in me. But HEY HEY HEY it doesn’t have to be that way anymore, right? Having been a new creation in Christ, I must mirror His holiness. “As obedient children, do not be conformed to the desires of your former ignorance. But as the One who called you is holy, you also are to be holy in all your conduct; for it is written, Be holy, because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:14-16 — Wouldn’t this be a solid rebuke to us Christians? I don’t know about you, but this one heavily slapped me. I got so used to putting the blame on others and judging them without being aware of my own attitude. I wouldn’t consider having a character check because I’d innately & selfishly think I that know better. Remember what Christ says in Matthew 7:5? “Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Ouch! Repent! But of course, GRACE ABOUNDS. Praise God for searching my heart and knowing my anxious thoughts, for seeing offensive ways in me and always leading me in the everlasting way.

The tension between Frey and I subsided when I prayed for God to change my heart, (while I didn’t know she was actually praying for herself too), when I confessed the situation to my dgroup in the Philippines & asked them to pray for me. One of my devotions also compelled me to take action, it says that the way for people to know that we are Christ’s disciples is when we love each other; *gasps* basic knowledge in Christianity that I always forget; I cannot say that I’m the Lord’s if I do not love, for God is love Himself. Eventually, God opened an opportunity for us to get to know each other better. It began during our service training, when we didn’t have a choice but to share a meal because we both love seafood, and the stock was limited. Haha! I know, medyo-PG. Who would have thought na food lang pala ang mag-rreconcile samin. But what really brought us two closer is that towards the end of our training, we didn’t have a choice but to be each other’s room mate. Irresistible grace nanaman. I had two room mates before her (Ajla and Dawn, I love and miss them!) and when my 2nd room mate Dawn graduated and moved to Riyadh, I had no choice but to move in the same room with Frey. God moves in funny and mysterious ways talaga! That time, I told Him, “I don’t know what exactly You are up to, but I’m excited & I trust You, so bring it on.”

It’s been 2 weeks being in the same room with my former enemy. I won’t go into details on how it has been, but I feel sooo blessed having Frey as my room mate now. We cry and laugh together, we pray together every night before we sleep. We both acknowledge that we are saved by Grace. We both apologised and asked for each other’s forgiveness. We now call each other sisters in Christ and we believe we’ve got eternity to make chikahan about His goodness. Grabe, madalas kaming napupuyat cause we’re both talkative and we love to share lots and lots of testimonies. Indeed, all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. God is so intentional in making us live in harmony with one another so that we may glorify Him in Christ with a united spirit. (Romans 8:28; 15:5-6) How amazing!

Two more days before we move to Riyadh. We’re both aware that it won’t be easy, there’s more to discover in our newly blooming friendship, not just between us but also among our batch mates, and the thousands of colleagues we are yet to encounter. We’ve got a lot of adjustments to do, we may disappoint each other in the future but we know that the battle isn’t in the flesh but in the spirit, and as long as we have Christ in our center, we’re cool. Christ is our Peacemaker! Yay! ☺️

I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

My Turbulent FA Journey

It’s been exactly a year since I became a Flight Attendant for Philippine Airlines; and though I only flew for 5months with my country’s flag carrier, I will always be grateful for what the Lord has taught me through my “turbulent” journey with PAL.

I never knew I would be in love with hospitality/customer service job 35,000 feet above sea level until the PAL opportunity came along right after my final year at Bb. Pilipinas (2016). If you were able to read my blog (A Necessary Detour & While the Failing Continues, The Failure Continues) several months back, you’d know that I was actually terminated for failing my written permanency exam. Looking back though, I think the reason why God allowed me to get fired was more than just not qualifying the permanency.

While I was working for PAL, I became in denial that the job was actually becoming my idol. My quiet time was becoming too quiet that I wouldn’t want to spend time reading my Bible, I wanted to Fellowship with my friends at church but I was half hearted in serving the Lord, I neglected opportunities (I dropped my BibleMesh class) where I had the chance to get to know Him more. I wouldn’t give much value to God, the same way I’d give value to my layover activities, my dream destinations, to my OOTD’s, my Instagram posts (which I deleted shortly after my termination, none of it really mattered). This season in my life reminded me of Ecclesiastes, where the writer talks about how depressing it is to seek happiness in the things of the world.

According to GotQuestions.Org: This book gives Christians a chance to see the world through the eyes of a person who, though very wise, is trying to find meaning in temporary, human things. Most every form of worldly pleasure is explored by the Preacher, and none of it gives him a sense of meaning. It’s key verse is Ecclesiastes 1:2 Vanity of vanities,’ says the Preacher, ‘vanity of vanities, all is vanity’. Sadly, this is very similar to how I spent most of my time flying with PAL. I was distracted by the world. As a Christian, I should be a world changer, not a world chaser. In PAL, I chose the latter.

The Epistle of Paul to Titus, (chapter 2) talks about the saints denying ungodliness & worldly lust, seeking the Lord, living soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world. I wasn’t seeking the Lord while I was flying for PAL. I placed Him behind, and navigated my life the way I wanted to. (Nagmarunong nanaman po ako. Feeling ko nanaman I could take care of my self.) For a few months, I was delusional, the world ate me up. — And that, I do not want happen ever again. I pray that His grace sustains me in my new journey with the new Airlines I am currently training for.

I’m already on my last 2 weeks at training to once again be a Flight Attendant. I am very grateful that He gave me another chance to pursue this career. So far, training has been very good, I can say it’s lovelier the second time around. By Grace, my Quiet Time has been good. By Grace, I would get better grades at my exams, nothing below 90%, I pray it remains this way until the end. By Grace, I would enjoy getting to know the 18 new classmates I have at training (but of course I love pa din my PAL ICCT16-12 family, the #Victorious1612 lol) and more women from other batches, some of different nationalities. My prayer for this brand new journey, I tweaked it a bit: that none of the things I would be tasked to do in this new opportunity given to me will be in vain, that I do not value this opportunity above God in my life, that I do not take it for granted, and that it humbles me, MORE & ALWAYS. May I never find the world pleasurable. May I never ever forget my First Love, Jesus Christ.

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” Ecclesiastes 12:13 On top of it all, I’ve witnessed and experienced that my faith in Christ Jesus is the ultimate job entrusted to me. The faith I have that He graciously poured out through and in me is my ultimate standards of pursuing a career. Life on earth is brief, time is running, why would I settle for things that do not have eternal bearing? In case that happens again, which I hope not, please rebuke me.

Few more weeks till graduation day. May I give Him glory for the rest of my time at training, post grad, and beyond. To my failures, to redirection, to new endeavours, to success, to every sadness turned to gladness, to God be all the glory!

The Unmarried Wife Aftermath 

I’ve been reserving my thoughts on adultery for a book I wanted to write in the future that I haven’t even drafted yet. But cause I watched such an impactful movie last night, it could no longer wait. Forget about the book. This isn’t a movie review. This is my piece, not out of research, but out of a bold experience. First, let me state that falling in love with a married man was the dumbest, most selfish decision I did, most unloving path I chose, most painful event that ever happened in my life. This proved how filthy and sinful I was, and how much I needed Christ to take over every part of my being. I was so lost, so insecure, so stupid.

I thought I already knew Christ when it happened. I thought I was already leading people to Him. I was so defensive thinking I wasn’t doing anything wrong. But it unfolded right before my eyes, seeing people in pain and confused because of my hardheadedness,  and deep in my core I did not have joy & peace. It took me months not being able to sleep well, I’d wake up in the middle of the night being hunted by the thought, the TRUTH rather. “Adultery is a sin, it’s a trap, it’s a curse, get out of it.” But I was stubborn, wrestling with God and defending my situation to Him over and over again, and I’d call myself a “mature” Christian then, what a shame! I’d ask for signs. I’d always land on Bible verses telling me to let go, but I wouldn’t. It was so tough. I felt like I was being the ultimate hypocrite for proclaiming the Gospel and not living out His’ 7th commandment: THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY. I battled hard with the Truth, fought so hard, it left me tired & empty.

Until God’s GRACE came to pull me out of  my sin. He sent people who courageously rebuked and reminded me of my worth in the Him. There were literally a lot of them who prayed and petitioned to Him for me. He’d talk to me through my Bible reading, church services, even podcasts and worship songs. He persistently tells me to surrender, that He has greater and way better plans for me than I had for myself. Again, my plans were very selfish. This blog is an understatement of how Christ, my Lord and Savior miraculously worked in my life on this matter. He pulled me out of sin, pulled me out of adultery. And I couldn’t thank Him enough for the genuine freedom and love that I experience now through Him and the right people He brought to my life to appreciate the unceasing love He has for me through them.

This goes to you who find it so hard to let go, you may be in a situation similar with my past sin, or you have something/anything else that you believe in your heart God’s telling you to let go of but you couldn’t. I will not lie to you, the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and I know how hard it is. But I beg you, your future is at stake here, just let go. It may not make sense at first, but just let go. It hurts so badly, but let go. God didn’t die for you only to live in a distorted and deceptive love promoted by the world. Surrendering is hard but it will be worth it. Hold on to your faith, to the Gospel, and the only absolute truth. What God has put together, let no man separate. Leave before it’s too late, or even if you feel like it’s too late already, leave anyway. Because God will never bless a relationship He didn’t orchestrate. All His’ plans are GOOD, PLEASING and PERFECT. Choose to obey, choose His’ Master Plan. The hurt, you will be able to endure it because He will be with you, you’re not in that alone, He will be your comfort and strength as you go through the process of letting go, asking for forgiveness, healing, and forgiving yourself. He will never leave nor forsake you. Like He did to me, like He always do.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans6:23


Do Not Underestimate Grace: TRUE LIFE 2016

Do not underestimate what the Lord can do? I did, shame on me. This is the ultimate lesson the Lord taught me the past 3days. Before the True Life Retreat, I was very hesitant to come. You know the ego of a ‘leader’? I had that feeling. I’d ask God, “do I really have to go through this and be a ‘participant’? Should I not be volunteering instead? I’ve done something similar with it before. What else is new to learn?”  What made it even more horrible is that I didn’t really promote it to the ladies I’m leading when my dgroup leader asked me to. In my head was this false belief and compartmentalization of the process of accepting Christ. I’d tell myself that I won’t put much effort on inviting my girls to this one because I’m originally not from CCF and their growth must be with my original church, which is Victory. I knooow. It’s stupid, lame, controlling, unfaithful to the church of Jesus Christ. In 1 Corinthians 1:10 Paul says: I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment. Boom! Professional Sinner alert. I repented. 

The humbling didn’t end there. Nakakahiya talaga but I have to expose my sins. First time in my life (and hopefully the last too), I was standing doing praise and worship on the 1st day and the 1st session of the retreat, I almost fell from a still position because… I was falling asleep. Now I call myself a leader? I started worrying cause I began to recognize that I wasn’t acting okay, there was something wrong but I didn’t know exactly what to pray for. And then I took a nap, when I woke it felt different already. My heart changed on the 2nd session onwards. I had a teachable heart. The testimonies of the speakers would hit me hard, the scriptures I’ve read before felt so new to my ears and peirced my heart as the pastors utter it. I felt like an intense sinner all over again who needed saving. Seriously, I had to repent bigtime for my ugly heart. I cried it out to Him. He humbled my heart again.

Despite my disgusting pride, here’s what He did. My words are not enough to express it. Let the photos speak for itself. 


Hallelujah. He is King. I pray that He breaks my heart and everything filthy in it, that He breaks it for what breaks His. I thank Him for the overflow of wisdom, joy, laughter, tears He poured out to me (once again) on a higher level. Learning doesn’t end, humbling doesn’t end, for my idea of His love for humanity can never fully grasp how much He does. I thank Him for my friends, my brothers and sisters that were part of the retreat in 3 solid days of pruning and strengthening. I am in awe. Jesus, thank You. You give us more grace to stand against such evil desires, You opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble, James 4:6 

Romans 11:33 Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments and untraceable His ways! 💜:)